


Many Dicks, Many Disasters

by CustardBattle



Series: I Don't Take Things Seriously [1]
Category: Game Grumps
Genre: Alternate Universe - Ninja Sex Party, Blowjobs, Crack, F/M, Game Grumps Big Bang, Homophobia, In-Universe Ninja Sex Party, M/M, Murder, Ninja Ship Party, Recipes, ggbb
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-10
Updated: 2016-07-10
Packaged: 2018-07-22 18:35:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 17
Words: 25,748
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7449814
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CustardBattle/pseuds/CustardBattle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan's an immortal slut and Brian's a murderer who bakes. Life goes on as usual.</p><p>Or, how Dan met the god of the universe and slowly fell in love.</p><p>(Written for the 2016 Game Grumps Big Bang)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> The truly wonderful Jimmy-Jams did this awesome drawing: http://jimmie-jams.tumblr.com/post/147217526256/danny-sexbang-and-ninja-brian-multiverse. Check out their tumblr, yo.
> 
> http://jimmie-jams.tumblr.com/
> 
> my tumblr: bxhayk.tumblr.com

In the summer of 1967, long before the dawn of the technological revolution, the fall of the iron curtain, and Jimmy Fallon, San Francisco was the place to be. At least for Danny, a college dropout who’d run out of money long before he ran out of wanderlust, San Francisco was the place to be. The city crawled with a fresh sort of spirit, one willing to rebel against society and fight for a better future. Haight-Ashbury served as a hub for this spirit, and in this place movements began and died, protests were planned and squashed, and a shit-ton of drugs were consumed. In the hippie groups, or as they were sometimes referred as, tribes, people could be separated into two different groups: People who wanted to fracture societies norms with a loud counterculture, and those who wanted a group of people who to do as many drugs and have as much sex with as possible. Danny Sexbang, unsurprisingly, fell into the latter category.

So after spending his last thirty bucks on a bus ticket and hitchhiking when that dried up, he found himself in the big city, full of political unrest and young people willing to be different. He expected big things from this city. He expected a ton of hot women with newfound sexual liberty. He expected a lot of drugs. He definitely expected to get high.

He did not expect to find himself in a new plane of existence.

Yeah. That particular event was slightly surprising.

His soul separated from his body, an experience that literally tore him apart. He felt himself pour out of his shell, losing his sense of time, smell, what was up or down. He could hear nothing, and since he had no limbs or fingers, touch stopped existing. His understanding of who he was or what he was left him. Once separated from his body, he found he didn’t really care. He was a part of the great everything and nothing, and while the concept was certainly new to him, he found that he instantly understood it. The concept grounded him in the void, and the fire of his soul snuffed out in completion.

He floated in perfection for an eternity, and then everything reversed. He saw the whole universe at once, from the biggest of superclusters to the smallest particles imagined. He gazed at the magnificence, and to his surprise, it seemed to gaze back.

Among the brilliance of the unending stars, between nebulas, black holes, and the unfurling of time itself, lay a being. It curled, and with it the universe curled. It turned itself towards Dan.

“Hey,” the god of everything and nothingness greeted, “sup?”

With the presence of the god of everything and nothing came a rush of knowledge that took Dan by surprise. Secrets, facts, and concepts assaulted him. Time meant nothing, and space was a construct. Death lasted both forever and an instant, and life was brief and unending. His existence was a series of mirrors, with an infinity of worlds just like his own reflecting every part of his own life.

His brain started overflowing, and only after a couple millennia of endless pondering was he truly able to come back to himself.

“Uh,” he said to the god, “Hi.”

“So,” the universe said, “Congratulations! You’ve achieved eternal life.”

This new piece of information was a drop in the bucket compared to what he’d just experienced, but he didn’t quite register what the universe was talking about.

“Eternal life?”

“Are you confused about what that means?”

“I mean, it’s a little much to take in. One minute I’m in a tent on Saturday getting high and then suddenly I meet God and he tells me-“

“Call me Uni. Short for the universe. Also,” he didn’t seem to have many qualms about cutting Danny off, “don’t say he.”

“Oh,” said Dan, a little lost, “Sorry about that. What should I say instead?”

“It’s alright. Use they/them. It’s not a concept understood by your particular society for a good six decades, but lucky you! You get to be ahead of your time.”

“Cool,” Dan said, still not quite getting the situation, but he was definitely adaptable. Anyways, if he got to meet the universe, he might as well be friendly. “Do you know why I’m here?”

“Is that a general question or why you’re specifically here with me?” Dan had never questioned existence much before so he shrugged.

“The second one, I guess.”

“Well,” they started, as Dan stared at the stars along their body, dimming and flaring with each word. “You should know now that when a soul loses their physical vessel, they lose all memories and are reincarnated into another body.”

However unbelievable, Dan did know that as fact, despite that if he were asked before this conversation, he wouldn’t have had a clue.

“But one day, I just decided that was boring. Reincarnating souls is my job, but truthfully, it sucks. So I decided to change things up. I’d still process each soul perfectly, unless they reached nirvana in their lifetime. Then they’d keep their original body and memories with their soul.”

“Sound reasonable enough.” He said, and at his words the universe rushed towards him, examining him.

“So how’d you do it? Centuries of meditation? Endless suffering?” He could feel their curiosity burn at the edges of his soul.

“Crazy drug trip,” Danny explained, and the universe seemed to relax as his words.

“Oh good. I don’t think I could take another stuffy monk or spiritual priest. They all have sticks up their asses.  You’re not like them, you’re pretty cool.”

“Thanks, man.” Despite the insanity of the situation, Dan was becoming more comfortable. He did reach nirvana after all. And besides, Uni seemed like a chill being. They were a thousand miles away from the harsh god he’d learned about in his childhood, so he smiled, “You’re pretty cool yourself.”

“Thanks,” said the universe. “Glad we could get along. I’ll send you back now. Can’t have you without a soul for too long.”

He woke up in exactly the same place he had started, besides the very people who’d shared their drugs.

“What the fuck?”


	2. Chapter 1

Our story, like all worthwhile stories, starts off with a blowjob. Dan rested his floof on the headboards as a girl worked his cock in messy, spit-slicked bobs. They had met at a karaoke bar. She’d been impressed by his sick vocals, him by her perfect tits.

Her mouth was hot and talented and Sara (he was at least thirty percent sure her name was Sara), made his toes curl. She started with licks, long and slow up the underside that led to the frenulum. He gripped the sheets, making his knuckles hurt. She took a languid, experimental movement, and covered the entire tip with her mouth. He sighed again, and she chuckled around his dick, overwhelming him with the vibrations. He squirmed more. Without warning, she leaned down and took his entire cock, right to the base.

Heat was building in his belly, and she was fantastic at sucking cock. Almost too good. Her hand reached to play with his balls, and he could feel them tighten.

“Keep doing what you’re doing,” he warned with gritted teeth, “and I’m gonna come so hard.”

She took a moment and pulled off his dick.

“Then come for me, baby.” She smiled wickedly, and continued. When he came, hard and fast, she looked straight in his eyes and swallowed every drop.

God, was he in love? He was probably in love. He was probably in love with a woman probably named Sara.

“You’re gonna eat me out now,” she said through lidded eyes, after letting him catch his breath. He nodded. It’s not like he could say no to that. As he shuffled around, she pulled out her messy ponytail. God, he had such a thing for blonde hair, and she had a lot of it. He straddled her, taking his time kissing down her body.

“Don’t you dare give me a hickey,” she warned, “or I’ll have to punish you.” A thrill ran through his body at her promise, but he obeyed. When he reached her breasts, he couldn’t help cupping one in his hand, taking the time to lick and suck at a light pink nipple. It was supple and creamy, so he bit down, hard enough to leave a mark. She gasped, running her hands through his hair and forcing his head away.

“Enough teasing.” She said, and pushed his head towards her crotch. He gave a quick peck on her belly and dove into eating her out. He started with quick, broad stripes with his tongue, and braced his hand on one of her thighs. Her insistent hands pushed him towards herself. He brought his other hand to her entrance, and slid a finger in easily. He tongued her clit and crooked his finger at the same time, and felt a rush of warmth as she cried out.

“Holy shit.” She said, and Danny repeated the motion, this time much slower. He moved downwards to lick her folds, taking her labia and biting down gently. Her stomach muscles tightened, and he could feel her thighs start to shake when he sucked on her clit again.

Things came to a crashing halt when the fingers on his scalp tightened. Her entire body jumped in shock, making Danny look up, confused. She let out a small yell, but looked blazing furious.

“Who the fuck are you? Get out of my house!” She crawled away from Danny, curling herself up by the headboard. Danny turned around and flicked his eyes on the commotion, and shrugged when he saw who it was.

“It’s okay,” he said in a soothing tone, “He’s my buddy, Brian. Say hi, Brian.”

Brian gave him a hate-filled middle finger, which Danny had come to know as a gesture of love. When he turned back to the girl, she looked no less terrified.

“You know him? Tell him to leave.” She got off the bed, quickly pulling her dress back over her head. Danny knew it was a bad time to point out that it was on backwards. “In fact, please, both of you get out of my house or I’m calling the cops.”

“Are you sure?” Dan asked, trying to hide his disappointment, “Because I can-“

“Out!” She yelled, and there didn’t seem to be much of an option after that.

He only had the chance to pull on his underwear and shirt as he and Brian were forced out of the apartment, the rest of his clothes bunched up in his arms. He dressed himself in the elevator, a sour mood coming over him.

“Do you have to do this every time?” He muttered, re-buttoning his shirt and reaching for his pants. The elevator stopped on floor seven, and a business-looking woman with a streak in her hair stepped inside, taking absolutely no notice of his homicidal friend or state of undress. She tapped something out on her phone with perfectly manicured nails, looking bored. Dan wanted to punch something. “She didn’t seem very happy, Brian. Also- Shit!“ He gestured at his foot as he shoved a shoe on, “I forgot my socks! She didn’t let me take my socks, Brian. Those were my favorite pair of socks. Do you know how much I liked those socks, Brian?”

Brian looked no less angry, and simply stared at him unblinking. Unsurprisingly, this didn’t help Dan calm down.

“That’s right,” He huffed, “you don’t care about my socks at all, Brian, because you don’t care about me.” His anger was working itself up. He could feel it building in his gut. “Well, I’m not exactly in the best mood, so you can make your own roast beef tomorrow night, Brian. How do you feel about that, Brian?”

That got Brian’s attention. He looked at Danny and started moving his hands.

 _Don’t you fucking dare,_ he signed, but Danny held his ground. Sometimes dealing with Brian was like dealing with a child.

“I’m not making dinner, so you can eat your own dick.”

Luckily, the elevator dinged with perfect dramatic timing, and he stamped out. Brian and the woman followed him. He wanted to get far, far, away from the ninja. He needed space to clear his head. He only managed to get to the end of the hallway, because the scrape of a katana leaving its sheath stopped him. He knew what came next. He sighed in annoyance as he was stabbed, and glared at Brian when he disappeared in a black explosion, his middle fingers pointed upwards. Way to act like an adult, Brian.

“Do you want me to call an ambulance, hon?” The lady asked him as he fell to the ground. She didn’t exactly sound panicked. The wound went straight through his back to his belly, and it hurt like a bitch. Considering he was bleeding out, Danny wasn’t in the position to look straight at her, so he stared at the creases in her expensive pencil skirt instead. He shook his head.

“No thank you. What a fucking asshole, huh?” He mumbled in his pool of blood. She clicked one of her heels on the floor in agreement.

“Mmm-Hmm, I know what that’s like. He act like that often?”

“Yup.”

“I used to have a guy like that. Haven’t made a Friday night dinner for someone in four years, thank goodness.”

Danny had a suspicion they were talking about different things, but he shrugged.

“So now you have your Fridays off, then?” He did his best attempt at raising his eyebrows. It was difficult to be suggestive while dying, but fuck it, he’d still try. The woman laughed in response.

“Go back to your murderer friend. He’s a cutie.”

He didn’t know what to say to that, which was probably a good thing anyway, because by then he was dead.

 

 

Though dying was far from comfortable, once Dan died, he never felt any pain. It was a discomforting feeling, mostly, an unbelievable restlessness that overpowered him, like he wanted to burst from the inside. He supposed it was the nature of souls: they were used to being attached to a physical being. Having his soul on its own made him feel exposed and fragmented. Time passed differently without a body, or it seemed to pass with an infinite quickness while not passing at all.

As always, the god of everything and nothingness was there, their form captivating Dan’s entire vision. Their galaxy-speckled body rippled in recognition. Their form was indescribable to the human mind, and Dan could only compare it to an intense beam of heavenly wisdom, with flecks of distant stars swirling in the fabric of their body. Danny managed his best at a wave.

“Yo,” said the god of everything and nothingness with a curt nod, “How the fuck you doin’?”

Dan sighed and gave a shrug, “I dunno. I’m okay, I guess.” He let his form float sulkily in the darkness, too upset to do much more.

“Uh-oh,” said the god, “that doesn’t sound good. Wanna talk about it?” Their galactic form leaned in closer, and Danny appreciated the sentiment. “If you don’t, that’s totally cool. We just have a couple eons to wait for your body, so you might as well spill.”

Dan nodded. Talking about it would make him feel better. Uni patted the spot besides them, and Danny floated over, sitting himself near the being.

“Writing’s been difficult lately, for the band, I mean.” He admitted, “And I usually go to the biweekly knitting club to blow off steam. Brian’s much better than me, but it’s calming. Plus, Barbara and Eunice are always nice to visit with. But about a month ago the community center was destroyed by time-travelling demons.”

“Did you at least fight them off?”

“Yeah. I sang songs while Brian stabbed people,” Dan went on, “so that was a highlight, but the Yarny Army won’t be able to meet until the community center is rebuilt. It could take months. So I’m in a bad mood, and I can’t even talk to the girls about it, and instead of being considerate, Brian goes off and murders someone.” The universe cocked their head.

“Wait, I thought you were okay with the murders.”

“I am,” he clarified, “but he came home absolutely covered in human remains, and tracked blood all over the carpet.”

“Gross.”

“I know. So I tell him, ‘I just vacuumed, Brian, what the fuck? You better clean up your mess, Brian.’ And all he does is flip me off and disappear for three weeks on an assassination. No note, no goodbye, no nothing. Then out of nowhere he pops back into my life like nothing changed. He scared a really lovely lady and totally cockblocked me. We even got thrown out of her place and I had to dress in the elevator.” Danny was rambling, but he couldn’t stop. He had pushed down his annoyance for far too long, and the anger came rushing out of him. He was so tired of Brian’s shit.

“And to top it all off,” he continued, halfway to shouting, “I didn’t have time to grab my favorite socks!” The universe looked shocked.

“The purple ones with the buttplugs?” Dan nodded sadly, feeling the gaping emptiness the socks had once filled.

“You love that pair!”

“I know! Fuck!” Dan took a steadying breath, “I do feel bad about refusing to make dinner, though. Roast beef is his favorite. I can’t just keep acting like everything’s fine, though. We need to find a compromise somehow.” The universe patted him on the back.

“I’m sure you’ll figure it out. You’ve come this far.”

“I hope so.”

A comfortable silence fell over them, and the universe went back to preparing Danny’s form. Dan took the moment to relax, looking at the stars billions of light years away. He wondered if the universe ever got lonely out here between his visits. This place was unspeakably beautiful, but cold and lonely. He made a silent promise to die more often, if just to say hi. All the knowledge in the multiverse must get boring if you were stuck with it for eternity.

“Your body’s ready now.”

“Can you send me to where and when I last died?”

“I’ll see what I can do.” Uni took a moment, using a second to focus themselves. They turned to Danny with a smile, “someone left you a surprise back home.” Before Dan could answer, his soul was forced back into a physical being.

 

 

His soul poured into the body and found residence in his arms and legs, in his liver and lungs and beating heart, and rushed into his cells, coaxing them to life. Dan had once compared it to pouring milk into coffee. His soul was a white cloud that bloomed outwards, blending with his form until they became one.

Dan opened his eyes. Waking up with a new body was always a fresh, invigorating experience. Unfortunately, the body he had died in felt cold and stiff. He rolled his joints and twitched his fingers, but even as the cold faded from him, he couldn’t quite shake the full-bodied soreness as well as a killer cramp in his neck. A flash of white caught his eye, and he found a piece of paper on his chest. He tugged at it, and immediately yelped when his skin burned.

The thing was stapled to his chest. He sighed in annoyance and tugged, ripping it out to glance at the note. It read, _I changed my mind. Take me out for coffee, and we’ll see where things go from there - Suzy_

The woman had written her number at the bottom, sealing it with a dark purple lipstick stain. Gripping the paper, Danny grinned. Guess Brian didn’t totally fuck things up after all.

When he got up, he noticed where he was. The hallway looked the same as when he had died, and a quick glance at the clock said he had only missed a couple hours. At least, if it was the same day, then he’d only missed a couple hours. He checked his phone, and it was only Thursday.

Ugh. His mouth tasted like stale pussy, and he desperately wanted to brush his teeth. He started walking back home, remembering his annoyance from earlier. His legs were already feeling better, once the blood started pumping through them again. He sighed, not able to stay mad for long. The night air felt good enough, and at this hour few people would notice the highly suspicious stain on his shirt.

He couldn’t find Brian in the house, which shouldn’t have bothered him. He tore off his clothes and jumped straight into bed, far too tired to do much more. He fell asleep while tracing the rapidly healing scars on his stomach.

Danny woke to sunlight streaming through the windows, bathing the room in gentle yellow hues. He yawned, and glanced at the clock. It was 12:49.

When he turned away, something caught his eye that made his stomach turn to lead. Brian sat cross-legged on the foot of the bed, watching him. When his heartbeat slowed down, he noticed Brian held a cake. It looked fresh-made, and the sweet scent of homemade pastries reminded him of his empty stomach. Danny swallowed some drool. He hadn’t eaten in almost 24 hours. He noticed it read _, For my shitlord_ , and had a little sad-faced dick drawn on it with icing.

 _There’s a baking class this afternoon across town_ , he signed with one hand, using the other to balance the cake on its plate. Danny looked at the dessert. It had white frosting and green speckles of something Dan didn’t recognize, with professional grade piping done in a pretty green along the edges. He looked back to Brian, asking, “Do you want to go?”

Brian nodded with his fist, _maybe you can stop fucking up every pastry you make_.

“Fuck you,” he said with a chuckle, and it was like everything was back to normal.

As much as he appreciated the cake, which knowing Ninja Brian, was as close to an apology as you could ever get, he acted distant. Brian seemed as if he were considering something, but constantly deciding against it. He would start signing something as Danny walked to the kitchen, but when he opened the cupboards, looking for a reasonably sized plate, he dropped his hands and turned around, ignoring Danny when he started signing back.

“So,” he started, trying to brush off the awkwardness, searching for a conversation topic. Brian stood too close while he searched through the drawer trying to find a knife that wasn’t for murder. When he turned around to cut the cake, Brian was inches from him, and looked at him with the intensity of a thousand homicides. Dan froze, and they stood there for a moment. _Oh fuck_ , Dan thought, as the hairs on the back of his neck rose, _I just got my body back, really_. Instead, Brian held his wrist and gently took the knife from his hands, piercing him with those icy eyes. As if nothing happened, Brian turned around and cut the cake himself. _What the fuck_ , Dan thought, letting out a breath he didn’t know he had been holding.

“What kind of cake is this?” While he was genuinely curious, he was also desperate to start talking. Brian acting weird usually meant a murder was coming, and if it was him he wanted to delay that as much as possible.

 _Lime, white chocolate_ , and, Brian signed a word Danny didn’t know by putting his hands in the air, as if holding a balloon, and giving it a quick shake, _new recipe._

“Sorry. What’s the last sign?” He asked, and got his answer when he shoved a forkful into his mouth, tasting the mystery ingredient.

 _C-O-C-O-N-U-T,_ Brian finger-spelled it anyways, showing him the sign again.

“Like this?” He repeated the action, and Brian nodded.

“Huh. Didn’t know that.” he took another bite of cake, and moaned, “God, this cake is amazing.”

Brian stopped to glare at him in thanks, and took his own fork and cake, walking off without breaking eye contact. Dan couldn’t fathom how Brian managed to look menacing while walking backward and holding cake, but he did. When he disappeared to eat alone, Dan ran a shaky hand through his hair.

 _I’m fucked,_ admitted Dan. Hopefully he’d survive long enough to go to that baking class.


	3. Make Ninja Brian's Apology Cake!

**You will need:**

250g of cut butter

180g of white chocolate chips

1 ½ cups of caster sugar

¾ cup of milk

4tsp of finely grated lime rind

2 eggs

1 ½ cups of sifted flour

½ of self-rising flour

**For the icing:**

140ml coconut cream

360g white chocolate chips

2tsp of lime rind

Preheat the oven to 160 degrees Celsius. Don’t even bother converting that to Fahrenheit, because if you use Fahrenheit, first of all, you can go fuck yourself, and second of all, you clearly don’t deserve this cake recipe. Celsius is obviously the superior measurement. It makes sense; measurement should be based on the things around us. Water freezes at 0 and boils at 100, which is useful for a variety of things. And don’t give me that 0:dead, 100:dead bullshit. If I were to use Fahrenheit to measure something, I’d be dead, too. Why, you ask? Because my body can’t take such an inferior form of measurement which uses random numbers. Can I remember the boiling point or freezing point for water in Fahrenheit? No, because the numbers don’t make any sense. Celsius for life. If you look outside and see that it’s -4 degrees, you’ll instantly know that there’s a chance for snow, and school may be cancelled, and you can spend the day snuggled up to your girlfriend drinking cocoa on your shitty living room couch. That’s the beauty of Celsius: it gives you hope for a better future, a hope for snow days spent with loved ones. Can Fahrenheit do that? I don’t fucking think so.

Grease a pan with at least a 22cm diameter and line it with baking paper. Mix the butter, sugar, chocolate, milk, and rinds, and heat over a gentle flame. Make sure to mix until it’s smooth. Put it into a bowl and cover it with saran wrap. Put it into the fridge. After cooling, whisk an egg and the flour into the mixture and pour into the pan. Bake for an hour and a half, or until a knife comes out clean after being stabbed.

To make the icing, boil the coconut cream lightly, mixing it with the white chocolate and rinds. Shove the mixture into the fridge until it’s spreadable. Once the cake cools, spread the icing evenly and serve. Delicious!


	4. Chapter 2

About three days later, Brian and Danny found themselves in a space club, located in a small galaxy approximately 6,081 universes from their own. Danny had pulled out his best kimono for the occasion, and even Brian had joined in, wearing his most expensive pair of sais on his back. The place looked barren from afar, but once they stepped inside it came to life. Multicoloured aliens of a species he didn’t recognize made up the majority, but he noticed a couple of human-like cyborgs among the crowd, probably from this universe’s version of earth. Brian nudged Dan’s arm, and he turned to him, snapping from his thoughts.

 _Oh shit!_ Brian pointed to a stained corner of the room. _They have muder-oke here. Peace._

“Okay. Have fun!” Dan had never participated in murder-oke himself, but as far as he could understand, it was like regular karaoke, but with more murder.

“Make sure not to drink the drinks here!” He shouted after him, and there was only a quick flash of middle fingers before he disappeared. Sparing no time, Danny rushed off to where a mob of aliens had gathered to dance. A live band played something so loud it hurt Dan’s ears, with strange instruments that throbbed to the beat. Alien music was as diverse as the universe itself, but whatever they played here made Danny want to move more than anything.

An hour later he found himself sweaty and exhausted, by a table far from the dancers.

“You suck at dancing, but I have to say, it was pretty impressive for someone with an interior skeleton.”

He turned towards the speaker, an alien so purple she reminded Dan of an eggplant. She held a glass full of a wicked looking drink, and wore a dress that clung to her frame in a way Dan very much appreciated.

“Uh, thanks, I think.” He took a closer look at her skin, which had changed to a glowing magenta, with speckles of yellow flecked in star-like patterns.

“Like my colour?” She lifted her arms and snapped her fingers, shifting herself to green. “I’ve been working on it for, like,  forever.” Showing off, she turned herself into a misshapen chessboard, before making the black and white dance on her body.

“Impressive.”

“Thanks. Do you want to dance with me?” She held out an appendage and he took it, letting himself be pulled back to the center of the floor.

“Fuck, you should really show our universe how to party.” He shouted over the music as they moved. She pressed her body against his in a way he completely didn’t mind, but that also made it difficult to dance, “An advanced society like yours should be able to hop over no problem.”

“Well, it’s not like we couldn’t,” she explained, leaning back to sip her drink and swirl the liquid around the glass. Bubbles popped up from the bottom, and Danny tried his best to listen, though the noxious fumes rising from the drink made his eyes water. “It’s just that most other universes suck in comparison to ours. Like,” she giggled, and swayed so far Danny had to catch her arm, or, the part of her body that most resembled one. “How many universes have you been to that have murder-oke? That shit’s the best.” She guzzled the last of her drink, and chucked the glass in her mouth, munching down and swallowing. She leaned towards him. “Isn’t it?”

“It is pretty great,” Dan admitted, before making out with her. He didn’t quite remember how the making out with her went, because after getting a taste of her tongue against his, he found himself absolutely, unbelievably, mind-fuckingly, drunk.

Later, he would reflect on the difference between drinking on earth and drinking in another universe. While he could never be called a lightweight at home, just the remains of drink on the girl’s lips got him far more affected than he could have ever expected. He pulled back from the kiss, trying to get some air to his brain. God, it hit him fast. Where was he? Where was Brian? He swiveled around far too quickly and he lost his balance, swayed dangerously, and crashed into someone. He murmured an apology, and found his balance again. When his brain caught up to the situation, the girl was nowhere to be found and Dan was on his own.

The club moved in colourful swirls after that, and his vision twitched and shuddered, changing speeds at inconvenient times. He stumbled through the moving crowd, and vaguely wondered how much time had passed. The faces of the beings around him rushed towards Dan, smothering him in a sea of heat and music.

A rush of relief ran through him when he smashed into a body covered in black, and he put his arms around him. The relief left when the person turned around, looking surprised through the mask. _Godamned ninjas, all looking the same_. He wondered if that was a racist thing to say. Where was Brian? If he were any less shitfaced, he probably would’ve been terrified, but the warmth of the bodies pressed against him felt nice. After a particularly relaxing song, he found himself falling to the floor, snuggling against an empty cup and a pile of indiscernible liquid.

He didn’t wake up when arms that weren’t arms grabbed him, and didn’t wake up when they pushed him out of the club, leaving an angry purple bruise where his face slammed into the ground. He didn’t wake up when someone ran their hands down his sides, looking for pockets with a promise. Before the thief could find much, he was stabbed from the behind, showering the sleeping Danny with droplets of sticky green blood.

He did wake up when someone else picked him up, and saw his own body leave the scratchy concrete. His head lolled to the side. He was too incoherent to care about the indignity of being carried bridal style, or to see exactly who carried him. He relaxed when he saw a bright yellow pattern two inches from his face, though, and let his head fall against the familiar chest.

 

 

His mind woke up in slow steps. First, his eyes blinked open and registered movement, but didn’t see clearly until they blinked a couple of times. Even with them clear, he couldn’t put a time or place on his whereabouts, or exactly how he’d gotten there.

 _Morning, dipshit,_ Brian’s hands moved just slow enough for Dan’s brain to register the words, and he was eternally grateful Brian didn’t speak, _I made you breakfast._

 _Morning,_ he signed back, groaning at the movement. His entire body felt wrecked, his limbs filled with an unknown kind of pain. Hunger overshadowed everything else; he felt like he could kill someone for a muffin. _Breakfast sounds amazing._

Though Brian had never excelled at cooking, he’d also made cheese scones _. The best scones in the multiverse. Trust me, I’d know,_ Danny had told him many times before, more often than not with his mouth full. Brian’s mask had always twitched with a concealed smile.

Dan took his plate, and his stomach growled. Brian had overdone the eggs, and the bacon was so crisp it dissolved into ash in his mouth. Dan ate it anyways. He shoveled some eggs in his mouth, barely giving himself time to breathe. Danny choked, and fell into a mess of coughing. Brian glared at him, and Dan took the message, eating as slow he could manage. When he looked up from his plate, Brian had left the room, but came back with a plate of his own. Brian sat himself at the foot of the bed, and lifted his mask to reveal his mouth. He took a chunk of scrambled egg and dunked it into ketchup. Danny watched him, shocked.

Brian never made breakfast, and when he did he never shared it with Dan. Brian also never ate in front of Dan, and when he did, he usually killed him for looking. Here he was, though, sitting cross legged on the bed in front of him, nibbling on a corner of bacon in silence. Dan could see the corner of his jaw moving as he chewed, more defined than he would’ve guessed. Brian hadn’t shaved, and stubble grew along his chin. Danny imagined it would scratch his hands, were he to cup his face.

Dan tore his eyes away before they could reach Brian’s lips. No way was he going down that road.

“We should practice today,” he said, wondering if Brian felt his discomfort, still refusing to meet his eye, “though I’m pretty sure my voice is gonna be shit.”

 _First we have to get home_ , Brian looked a little pissed, and Dan’s brain cleared enough molasses to recognize the bed as the ship’s spare cot, not the one from his bedroom. He groaned, letting his head fall back against the pillow. Crossing approximately 6,081 universes while hungover didn’t sound fun.

“Shit! We’re not home yet?”

 _Yeah,_ Brian said, his hands laced with fury, _you went and got drunk and it’s not like I know how to fly this thing._

“I barely know either, Brian” Danny said, “I’m sorry. I should have listened to you, Brian, about storing a piano on the ship for practicing purposes. Also, passing out and getting thrown out of the establishment probably wasn’t too great either.”

 _No shit,_ Brian signed.

“But there’s no kitchen either. Where’d the eggs come from?”

_That chick you snogged felt bad about getting you kicked out of the club, so she let me use her kitchen. I shared some of our breakfast with her._

“Oh. That’s nice of you.”

_And then I killed her._

“Oh. That’s… significantly less nice of you.”

_Serves her right. She got you fucked up and I had to deal with you. I was kicking ass at murder-oke, and had to forfeit halfway through. Why the fuck don’t we have that at home?_

“Murder-oke?”

_Yeah._

“I don’t know. It’s an untapped market, just sitting there, waiting to be exploited.”

The journey home was filled with business ideas.


	5. Make Ninja Brian's Cheese Scones!

**You will need:**

2 1⁄4 cups of all-purpose flour

2 tablespoons of sugar

2 1⁄2 teaspoons of baking powder

1⁄2 teaspoon of baking soda

1⁄4 teaspoon of cayenne pepper

1⁄2 teaspoon of salt

1⁄2 cup of cold butter, cut

1 cup of cheddar cheese, shredded

1 cup of buttermilk

1 egg, lightly beaten

In a large bowl, stir together the flour, sugar, baking powder, baking soda, cayenne pepper and salt. Using a pastry blender or two knives, cut in the butter until the mixture resembles coarse crumbs. My mom always taught me that the secret to great scones was using a lard cutter to chop up the butter. It’s a strange instrument, so I started wondering, where did these instruments come from? Why do we use them? Why are they so incredibly difficult to clean? Turns out, with a quick google search you find the answer. Lard cutters have been used since the Great Tart War of 1879, where a ferocious battle raged between baker and goods. Leading this war were the tarts, a tough, underappreciated pastry that wanted to rise up and overthrow their human masters. The movement built momentum, and pastries of all kinds overcame their differences to focus on a common enemy: mankind. The bakers, enraged by the betrayal, brandished lard cutters and squashed the revolution in a merciless massacre. Cries rang out on the streets, and the gutters ran with the crumbs of the fallen. Now, as our tradition dictates, we use lard cutters to make sure the butter melts perfectly, but mostly it serves as a harsh reminder of what happens to those who rebel. Make sure to stir in the cheese and add the buttermilk all at once, mixing until the dough gets sticky.

With lightly floured hands, press the dough into a ball. Knead for ten times over a floured surface. If you knead too hard or for too long, the dough will get tough, so be careful about that. Roll out the dough into 3 cm thick round. Cut out rounds and place on an ungreased baking sheet. Brush on the beaten egg to the tops of the scones. This is another reminder to pastries of the extent bakers will go to keep power. The eggs can be beaten; you can be beaten. Bake at 220 for 12 to 15 minutes or until golden.

Wow! So delicious!


	6. Chapter 3

Once Danny and Brian had found their way home, they continued on with their lives. Dan dressed to pick some girls up at the park, while Brian sat himself down on the couch.

“Thanks, Brian, for dragging me home. I really appreciate it, Brian,” he said, halfway through the door.

 _Whatever_ , signed Brian, and went back to his knitting.

Dan was still certain Brian was acting weird. Not a single middle finger was lifted that day.

 

 

Later, Dan found himself floating with Uni, not in the best of moods. His body wouldn’t take too long to regenerate. He’d only been shot, and that was a breeze compared to that time he fell in that wood chipper. Despite the short wait, he still felt salty. Apparently, bursting into someone’s house naked and making love to their vintage furniture was a crime. Though, he should’ve expected the Texans to draw their guns at any opportunity. Who knew they’d be so sensitive?

“So, I’m curious,” Dan stretched himself out among the nothing, taking the chance to relax his soul, “You’re in charge of this universe-” Uni cut him off.

“I’m only in charge of making sure the souls are reincarnated into new bodies. But yes, continue.”

“Do you ever talk to the other gods in neighboring universes?”

The universe sighed, and gave a little shrug.

“Not really. They’re all kind of douches, though whenever I send you off to another universe I have to deal with them.”

Apparently anyone could be a douche, even gods. This did not surprise Danny.

“Why exactly are they douches?”

“Because,” the universe sighed, “they spend all their time debating with each other over where they came from. It’s either, ‘oh, we must have come from a higher being. We couldn’t have appeared from nothing,’ or, ‘what’s your proof? You have no reason to believe we were created.’” The god of everything and nothing shook their head and gave Dan a tired look.

“And when I butt in and say, hey, guys? Do you wanna maybe talk about something else, like nebulas, or interracial genocide, suddenly I’m the annoying one.”

“Do you believe you were created?” Dan asked, curious himself. The universe sighed again, their stars glowing in frustration.

“No. I don’t think so. To be honest, though, does it matter? Either way our lives are the same.”

“I’d agree with you there,” stated Danny, and the universe smiled.

 

 

While bars on earth never measured up to the exotic and exciting standards of bars across the multiverse, he had to admit that going out was easier when you only had to walk for twenty minutes. Also, on earth everyone looked normal and had at least a seventy-five percent chance they’d be human. He liked those odds, though every so often didn’t mind a different body. This place was familiar, and something comfortable was exactly what he needed.

So when he started scanning the place, he knew exactly who he could take home for the night. The guy looked no older than 23, and was probably the most stereotypical representation of a twink he’d ever seen. This guy had it down to a science, with his baby face and slim body and v-neck tshirt.

He looked around as he made his way to the bar, ordering something with peach and vodka. The guy caught his eye with a smirk, obviously judging him for his choice. Dan took the opportunity.

“I like my vodka drinkable, excuse me.” he said, throwing in a bit of sass, “what’s your name?”

“Ross,” the guy replied, flashing him a toothy grin. That was all it took.

They made out against the wall just left to the door. A man smoking grumbled in annoyance, and left them be, and Dan could focus on the guy’s hand groping his crotch.

“There’s a guy at home who, uh, likes to watch.” He said, knowing that at some point Brian would barge into the room and stare. He hoped it wouldn’t change much. The guy almost purred, looking at him through lidded eyes.

“Doesn’t matter to me,” he took a moment to bite at Danny’s jugular, making his brain short circuit, “As long as he’s a guy.”

They made their way through the streets, lazily chatting and leaning on each other for support. Ross would stop every so often and give him a look, pushing Danny against a lamp post, kissing him sloppily. Dan could taste the sub-par beer he’d been drinking, something cheap and light.

They took forever to make it to the house, but Dan lead Ross into his bedroom, sparing no time before ripping his shirt and jacket off, throwing them on the floor.

Rob was shorter than Dan, and just as thin, but he took the lead. He brushed his fingers over Dan’s waist, lifting up the edge of his shirt. He squirmed under the touch, but Rob held him still, lifting up his shirt as he went. He took his time to map out his stomach, sides, chest and collarbone.

“There’s your friend, I assume,” he said, and Dan craned his neck to see Brian.

“That’s him.” He stated, and Rob kissed him again.

“Good. Let’s give him a show.”

Somewhere along the way they lost their clothes. Dan didn’t quite remember exactly what happened: it was a blur of harsh kissing and small giggles. Dan knew there was a time and a place for taking sex seriously, but he couldn’t help appreciating a guy who laughed at himself and still managed to be sexy. Rob was one of those guys. When they were both a little too eager and their teeth clacked together, he pulled back, snickering, before jumping right back into kissing him properly.

A condom appeared, and Rob rolled it down to the base with care.

“Where’s the lube?” He asked, keeping his hand on Dan’s dick.

“Under the bed,” he answered, teeth slightly gritted. Rob leaned over and came back with a bottle in his hand.

“You have an unbelievable amount of lube.” He said, with eyebrows raised.

“It’s my prized collection,” Danny retorted. “Flavoured, limited-edition, ultra-rare. You name it: I have it.”

“Weird thing to collect, but not like I’m complaining.”

Ron started preparing himself. He went quickly, which wasn’t surprising. He seemed like someone who did this often.

“It’s always good to be prepared,” Dan said, a little breathy at the sight.

He straddled Dan, taking his cock in hand and slicking it up with a few gentle strokes. Dan let out a small groan, but when he tried to continue stroking with his own hand, Ron grabbed it and pinned it above him. He leaned close to Dan, nipping at his earlobe and holding his wrists tight against the comforter.

“Nuh-uh,” he said, and his breath tickled the side of his neck, “Let me.”

He positioned himself over Dan, giving a grin before sliding down. Danny shuddered as he took the tip and stopped, letting himself adjust.

“Fuck,” said Dan.

“Fuck,” agreed Ron with a breathy laugh, who took a moment before letting himself fall flush against Dan.

He moved in short thrusts, finally giving Danny some delicious friction. As Ron moved, his hands migrated up to Dan’s and their fingers entwined. He was so hot, so tight, and just as he started getting used to the movement, he tightened around his dick, making Dan’s back arch. He wondered if Brian was still watching, or if he’d gotten bored and left the room.

Ross took the opportunity to bite along the side of his neck, hard enough to leave a mark, licking and sucking the spot. He kissed his mouth again, but as time went on they ended up pressing foreheads together, panting into one another.

The thrusts became harder, and Danny knew he was close. Looking at the expression on his face, Ross didn’t seem very far behind. He released one of his hands, taking his cock and stroking fast. He cried out, and threw his head back, coming thick and hot between their bodies. Holy shit. That was a sight that’d definitely stay in Danny’s spank bank for a long time.

Even after coming, he kept moving around Dan, who let himself fall over the edge. He gasped before coming in thick jolts inside Ross.

The cleanup didn’t take much time, and he left most of it to Danny, who had the majority of the jizz on his stomach anyway. He watched Dan take off the condom, wipe himself down, and throw everything away. Dan plopped down on the bed beside Rob. He smiled lazily, but had a troublemaker’s glint in his eye that relit the fire in his stomach.

Ron stretched himself on the comforter, giving Dan a view of his perfect stomach.

“Thanks for the night. I’m gonna get going.” He rolled over, leaning into Dan for a quick kiss, then got off the bed, picking up his pair of underwear and sliding them on.

“Alright,” Danny felt like he was floating, still in a sea of endorphins. He glanced at Rob, who looked like he suddenly remembered something.

“Oh!” He began, and spotted the pad of paper with a pen on the nightstand, “Let me give you my number. Maybe your friend can join us next?” He looked at Brian, hope sparkling in his eyes. Brian looked so angry, and Dan was partially worried he might pop an eye vessel.

“What’s that mean?” He asked Danny, after Brian had made a quick flurry of signs. Dan shrugged.

“He says he’s not into guys.” He cut out the threats and cursing, knowing it probably wouldn’t help the situation. Ross laughed, and Danny knew the guy probably had a 30% chance of surviving.

“Not into guys?” He gave a raised eyebrow while pulling his shirt on, “Watching two men fuck sounds pretty damn gay to me. Whatever.” Dan watched him slip on pants and give a wave goodbye. “When he comes out of the closet, call me. If not, I’m sure we’ll still have fun.”

With a wink, he walked out alive. Dan let out a breath he didn’t know he’d been holding.

Nevermind. There was a flash of a sword, and Ross’ head fell, separated from his body. Danny sighed.

“Godammit, Brian. You better fucking deal with his body.”


	7. Chapter 4

_I didn’t like that guy_ , stated Brian as he shoveled eggs onto his plate with a spatula. Dan had added feta and spinach to them, and the smell was heavenly. Fucking guys was sometimes a subject Brian got weird about, but Dan usually laughed it off. He thought Brian could use some teasing. He had just murdered one of Danny’s lovers.

“Why?” Dan teased around his mouthful, “Because he called you gay?” He didn’t wait for Brian to respond.

“News flash: a lot of people think you’re gay, specifically us together.” As Brian’s face fell into annoyance with a look that just screamed, “not this shit again”. As terrible as  it was for Dan’s safety, this was the perfect way to push Brian’s buttons.

Grinning, he leaned over, and gently sang, “We would all be flying, on a tasteful pink duvet. But mostly Brian, wo-oh, wo-oh,”

Brian glared at him, his whole body radiating murder.

“Mostly, Brian’s gay.” Dan finished, and Brian tilted his plate, sliding the eggs onto the ground. With a glint in his eye, he dropped the plate like a mic, and walked off.

Dan laughed too hard to care about cleaning up his mess.

 

 

Dan dug through his drawer, brushing his hand up against earbuds, a phone charger, some fancy condoms, and a chocolate wrapper before pulling out what he wanted. He typed out the number, taking a deep breath before pressing call.

It rang a couple times, and just as Dan prepared himself to leave a message, there was a click on the other side of the phone.

“Hello. Suzy speaking.”

He grinned.

“Hey!” He began, “this is Dan. You, uh, stapled your number on my chest.”

“Oh, right! Nice to talk to you again,” she replied, taking a moment, “you still want to meet me on a Friday night?”

“Definitely.”

“Awesome. You free this Friday?”

“Definitely.”

He gave her his address and they agreed on a time. His grin grew wider, and he remembered her kind sass, and the gentle sway of her hips in that expensive skirt. Things were looking up.

 

 

He kept up his relentless teasing on Thursday, much to Brian’s annoyance. He looked up from his phone to take a sip of his root beer float. Brian looked tired.

“Brian, do you know what a bear is? According to the internet, you’re a bear.” Brian didn’t answer, just glared. Dan tried to imagine him in leather, and couldn’t do it.

He only realized that Brian had poisoned him until after he had doubled over. His stomach ate itself from the inside out, and Dan chuckled as he died.

 When Suzy (and he knew her name was Suzy, because he’d entered her name into his phone contacts), showed up on his doorstep, she didn’t have the same formal dress she’d had before like Danny expected. Instead, she wore a devilishly short black dress that matched her dark lipstick. She gave Dan a smile, and the sides of her cat-eyes crinkled.

“Hey, you.” She greeted, “Where’re you taking me?”

Danny leaned on the doorframe, laying the suavity on thick.

“I have something special to show you,” he began, making sure to add in a dramatic pause. “Ever been in a space-time machine?”

“Where on earth did you find something like this?” Suzy asked, as Dan gestured around the ship. If this couldn’t get him laid, nothing would.

“I saved a hyper-advanced society from destruction one time, so they gave me a present. Just showed up on my lawn one day, so I assumed it was from them.”

“Wow. I almost believe that.” She teased, and he pretended to be offended.

“It’s true!” He insisted, and she scoffed, taking her time looking at the array of buttons and panels.

“So how do you fly this thing?” she asked, running her fingers along a particularly colourful keyboard.

Half of them were a complete mystery to Dan, but he knew enough to cross into different universes, so he did his best.

“That’s for navigating space and time,” he explained. “You can never be quite sure where you’ll end up when you jump universes, so it runs probability stuff so you don’t pop up in the middle of a battle or right next to an exploding star.”

He scratched the back of his neck, and felt heat rise in his belly when her eyes drank up the length of him.

“I’m not a hundred percent sure how it works,” he continued, stepping closer to her, “but it does, so that’s the important thing.”

He made the first move, and he nudged her against the wall. She took a moment to look at him.

“Does this mean you’re an astronaut? Being in space and all?” Her face was very close, and Dan still had to lean down to her despite her killer heels.

“One hundred percent,” he said, and kissed her full on.

She tasted sweet, and to his pleasant surprise, her black lipstick didn’t come off when he kissed her, and didn’t smudge a centimeter, and didn’t smear on his mouth or her teeth. He took her top lip in between his teeth and bit down, grabbing her waist when she let out a breath. She opened her mouth, and sucked on his tongue. He felt up her dramatic curves, could feel her skin hot underneath the dress.

He pulled back for a second, letting himself breathe. She stared at him, flushed, and he dove back in. His hands roamed along her back, her hips, and the roundness of her ass. She gripped the hair at the back of his head, scratching down slightly, and moaned. The fingers through his hair tightened, and she pulled back, looking wicked. Releasing his hair, she pulled the edge of her dress up to her hips, revealing lacy black underwear. Dan stared at them, and could see her dark curls through the sheer fabric.

“Are you just gonna tease me or are we gonna fuck?” Her pupils were blown, and her hair looked windy and wild.

“Right this way, then.” He took her hand, pulling her into the bedroom at the back of the ship, and when he sat himself down on the bed, she practically jumped him.

They continued kissing, but now that she had her dress bunched up around her waist, she could straddle him properly. She ground against his cock, making him arch his back and let out a noise. She moved her hips in a steady movement, and he felt himself get fully hard as his dick strained against his pants. He reached around her, fumbling until he found her zipper before sliding it down. Tossing back her hair, she helped him out, and pulled the garment off before chucking it across the room. She had a deep purple push up bra on, and he groped a breast, letting his thumb slip under the material to brush against a nipple. She gasped, and he felt it pebble under his touch.

“You have too many clothes on,” she pulled at the buttons on his shirt, and tugged the thing off. Once again, she balled the top up and chucked it across the room, unhooking her bra and doing the same thing.

“It’s so we can find all our clothes afterwards,” she answered to his odd look, “and I’ve had far too many guys steal my panties after a night. That shit is expensive!” She grabbed his junk through the fabric, and he somehow managed to respond.

“They look very cute. I definitely-“ he gasped, “-appreciate them.” She unbuckled his belt, making quick work of the button and zipper. She forced them down, and he helped her tug them off his ankles. She peeled off his socks slowly, and crawled back up to his underwear, where a clear wet spot of pre-come had gathered. Taking her time, she reached under the seam, and pulled out his cock.

“Are those little buttplugs on your underwear?” She giggled, and he couldn’t help an embarrassed smile.

“Yeah,” he admitted, “I used to have matching socks, but they were, uh, lost.”

“Well, they’re very cute.” She focused back on his cock, asking him, “Where’re the condoms?”

He gestured to the nightstand and she reached over, digging until she found a bright red one and a bottle of simple lube.

“I have to show you a trick. You’ll love it.” She tore open the package with practiced ease, but popped it into her mouth. She held up a finger, shifting her tongue around in her mouth, before having it appear around her lips. Taking his cock, she swallowed the entire thing, rolling the rubber to the base.

“Holy fuck! How’d you learn how to do that?” She gave his dick a quick suck, but popped off to answer.

“A lot of practice,” she grinned, looking proud, “Now, I want you to fuck me doggy-style. You down for that?”

“Absolutely,” he responded, and the heat in her eyes darkened.

He kneeled, cock heavy and thick between his legs, as she got on all fours in front of him, slipping out of her panties and throwing them in the pile. His hands gripped her ass, and slid up to a creamy shoulder. He pulled her hair out of the way, kissing her neck gently.

“Come on, quit teasing.” She squirmed, moving him to her hanging tits, and he squeezed one in his hand.

He lined himself up, brushing the entrance as he felt along. Her cunt was almost dripping, and as he pushed himself inside he let out a groan, feeling her heat surround him. Her walls tightened around him, and his patience wore thin. He snapped his hips back and thrust hard, setting a brutal pace.

“Oh God, fuck.” Suzy let her head drop below her shoulders, tilting her ass up to change the angle. Dan let himself fall flush against her back, one hand still gripping her breast, the other holding her hip tight.

“Can I pull your hair?” He gasped into her ear, and she nodded around the dark locks in her face.

“Please do.” He ran his fingers against her scalp, gripping her hair at the base. He tugged her head back, nipping the base of her neck.

“And go faster.” She commanded, and he did exactly that.

She kept a constant stream of moans after that, and tightened around him so hard it almost hurt. Her arms collapsed, and she leaned on her elbows, breathing heavy against the comforter.

“Oh God,” her voice was breathy, and he kept up the pace.

Her body was getting more relaxed, but wasn’t far behind himself. Soon he felt his balls tighten and he cried out. His thrusts became jerky, and after three good strokes, stopped altogether.

 

 

Suzy propped herself up on one elbow, lazing naked on the bed “So I found myself a man to make dinners for.”

Dan didn’t know the correct response to this, he glanced at her, worried.

“Is he cool with you going around?” She twisted some black hair between her fingers and nodded.

“It’s all in the open,” she said, and Dan let out a breath of relief, “but I think you’d get along great.” She said the last part with a twinkle in her eye. He grinned.

“I’m open to the possibility.”

“Good. You better keep your Fridays free, then, for the two of us.” She moved to kiss him, and cupped his face in her hands.

“Ready for a second round?”

“Fuck yeah I am.” He answered, still catching his breath, “but just give me a couple minutes and I’ll be good to go.”

 

 

Brian appeared just as they started up again, glaring at them from the corner of the room. Suzy caught his eye and turned to Dan, breaking their kiss for a second.

“There he is. Thought he’d show up.”

“Uh, yeah. You okay with that?”

“Yep.”

Dan was thankful she didn’t run screaming from the room, and was more than happy that she was willing to bang in front of him. However, could Brian leave them alone for just a moment to fuck in peace? Was that really so difficult? If Brian wanted to watch as a part of voyeurism, he wouldn’t particularly mind. But he didn’t, and had made that very clear. He seemed like he wanted to just piss Dan off, and invade his space, and that made it worse.

Suzy’s kiss silenced his thoughts for a second, and he focused on her impeccable nails scratching down his chest. God, she was attractive, with her curves, and her milky skin, and that fashionable blonde streak in her hair. He groaned as she scratched down to his hips, but caught Brian’s eye at the end of the room, and was immediately annoyed. God damnit.

He got an idea, and it was one created by incredible irritation and horniness, so you know this idea was terrible from the start, but in the moment, he thought it was brilliant.

He stopped her hands.

“Ever fingered a guy before?” He asked, she nodded.

“Yeah. Want me to do that?”

“God, please.”

She kissed his hipbone, and went back to the bedside table, taking out a couple bottles.

“Have any favorites?” she asked, sorting through his collection.

“As long as it’s thick,” he responded, and she came back with a blue bottle and an excited look.

She prepared him slowly, pouring a generous amount of lube onto her fingers. She slicked up his cock, and stroked it as her hand brushed around his hole. Still stroking him, she pushed a finger in, and he willed himself to relax. This was always the awkward bit, letting himself stretch before getting fucked. It didn’t hurt exactly, but felt uncomfortable enough to make his cock wilt ever so slightly.

“You okay?” she asked, moving the one finger in a gentle manner. He saw Brian behind her, and winked.

“Yeah,” Danny clutched the sheets and took slow breaths, “keep going.”

She added another finger, and he groaned at the sensation. She stretched her fingers outwards, and soon added a third. Dan’s cock went hard again at the sensation.

Her fingers started to thrust deeper, making sure to be gentle as she went. When his cock twitched and he groaned, and she cracked a grin. Brian was still watching him fall apart, and he wondered if he did like this voyeuristically. It would make sense, if it was paired with a little possessiveness. He decided to test the theory, and put on a show.

“Am I pressing too hard?” she brushed over his prostate again, and he shook his head. He stopped containing his noises, leaning his head back to reveal his neck. He could feel Brian’s eyes on him, and if he was honest with himself, the thought actually turned him on at least a little bit.

“You can press a little harder, actually.”

Suzy did, and he writhed with the motions. He ground himself down on her fingers, arching his back and letting out another cry. He saw Brian, far in the corner of the room, and they locked eyes. There was a glimmer of heat in his eyes, he swore there was. He panted, and when she pressed particularly hard, he almost screamed. His cock was leaking and twitching on his stomach, and he couldn’t stand it anymore: he stroked himself.

She moved her fingers faster, brushing the spot over and over, and he felt himself getting close.

“Oh, please. Fuck!” The edge came nearer and nearer, and images of Brian assaulted him. Brian’s thick arms, the trail of hair on his belly, and those eyes. He imagined Brian would stare straight into him as they fucked. He came, harder than he usually did.

“Oh God, Brian,” he cried, and immediately regretted it. He fucked up. He fucked up.

Brian glared at him, shocked, and disappeared in an angry cloud. A deep pit of dread locked itself into his belly. Suzy took no notice of it whatsoever. In fact, she just gave a couple gentle strokes to his cock, and smiled up at him.

“With an ass like yours it doesn’t matter who you cry to in bed.”

Danny tried a weak smile. He fucked up bad.

She went to the bathroom and washed her hands. Thick, knotted nausea come over him, but he went through the motions. He helped her dress, gave her a glass of water, and walked her to the door.

He fucked up real bad.


	8. Make Root Beer Floats!

You may be asking, why would I bother giving a recipe for Root Beer floats? It seems really simple, right? Well apparently I need to go over this shit, because people are crazy. First get some ice cream, and scoop it into a milkshake glass. The second step is very important: pour root beer into the glass. That’s right, root beer. Not coke, not cream soda, you need root beer. What a shock, right? Apparently it is to some people, who think it’s okay to taint the root beer float legacy with other kinds of soda. I’m sorry, is there orange crush in the name? Is it called a Mountain Dew float? Does the name imply anything other than root beer as an ingredient? No? Then stop being a grundlegarbler, and make a proper one. God, people are becoming heathens these days, spoiling perfectly good floats with sub-par sodas. If you use anything other than root beer in your floats, you’re dead to me.

Depending on whether your friend’s been calling you gay recently, you can make either the poisoned or un-poisoned version. Enjoy!


	9. Chapter 5

Once he’d changed the sheets, had a shower, and eaten dinner, he slipped into bed waiting for Brian to get home. His stomach hurt, and he sat up in bed, not able to let himself sleep. About an hour passed, and the time didn’t help his anxiety.

The front door opened and closed, and Dan could hear shuffling coming from the front hall. He jumped out from under the covers, shoving on a pair of well-loved pajama pants. His stomach twisted as he walked to the entrance hall. While he did owe Brian an apology, he didn’t particularly appreciate the attitude he’d been receiving. The murders were also pretty annoying, but the Brian’s attitude was the main problem here.

Brian was still taking off his shoes when Dan caught him, and he took a deep breath.

“I’m sorry, about last night specifically, Brian. I fucked up, Brian. I knew it would get a rise out of you, and that’s why I did it. I’m sorry, Brian. It was a shitty thing to do.” Brian didn’t exactly look thankful while receiving his apology, but Danny knew he’d appreciate it all the same. The next part of his speech would be taken a little less graciously.

“However,” he said, “As far as killing the guy who called you gay, that wasn’t cool. You can kill me when I tease you, but come on! It’s like you’re suddenly on the defense, Brian. Are you insecure, Brian?”

 _No. I’m not insecure,_ he signed stiffly, _and I’m not gay._

“Wow, Brian, you’re super straight, I get it, Brian. Good for you, Brian.” He was strung out at this point, and had no idea what to do, “You’ve been weird recently. Really weird, Brian. Is this what’s making you weird, Brian? Does me sleeping with men gross you out, Brian?” Brian looked at him.

 _I don’t like you bringing guys over to the house_ , he signed, and Dan’s anger flared.

“You bring women over, Brian. We both do!” He was yelling now, and Brian’s hands moved like lightning.

_It’s different._

“How is it any different?” Brian turned away from him, arms crossed over his chest. Danny knew Brian was trying to rile him up, but what he said was over the line.

“Do you know how difficult it was for me, Brian, growing up? I grew up in the fucking fifties, Brian. If someone outed you as a queer it wasn’t just your friends or your job. You lost everything, Brian. I fought for equality in the seventies, and saw the government turn a blind eye to my friends as they died of AIDS, because being queer meant you weren’t worth saving. Do you know what I’ve had to fight through, Brian? To prove that it’s the same? I’ve literally been through hell and back, and now society’s finally catching up and you dare to suggest that me having relationships with men is less valid, Brian?” He turned around and gave the wall a punch, needing something to pour his anger into. His hand broke straight through the shitty drywall, but his fist throbbed afterwards regardless. He ignored the pain, still steaming. Brian looked shocked, and he felt a little shocked himself.

“Well, fuck you, Brian. I’m not gonna stop just because your homophobia’s making you a shitty person.” He took a moment to glance at his watch, and smeared off the drywall powder to see the time. “Great. Fucking great, Brian. Now I’m late for my class. I hope you’re happy with yourself, Brian.”

He grabbed his coat and shoved it on, doing the same with his shoes. Brian just watched him, and something in him clicked with anger, making a decision.

“When I come back, I need some space. Don’t talk to me.”

He didn’t say anything more, and slammed the door behind him.

 

 

By the time he returned to the house, he had cooled down enough that the burning fireplace of anger had been downgraded to an uncomfortable candle of annoyance. He walked inside, pulling off his shoes and throwing his jacket beside him, not even bothering to deal with the coat hanger. He wanted a sandwich. He walked down the hallway to the kitchen, and his semblance of a good mood disappeared.

“Brian, who is this guy?”

Both Brian and a ninja Danny didn’t recognize had their swords drawn. Dan just stared. They’d figure it out with murder. Ninjas did that.

 _I don’t fucking know,_ he signed angrily, throwing a star. It embedded itself in the neck of the Ninja, bursting an artery. Blood sputtered everywhere, and the man fell over, his blood sinking into the carpet.

An uncomfortable silence fell over the two.

 _I,_ Brian faltered, and Dan couldn’t think of anything to say, _I’ll dispose of the body and clean up. I know you hate scrubbing blood out of the carpet._

He took another pause, giving Dan long enough to croak out, “Okay.”

 _Then I’ll leave_ , he signed, and went downstairs to get some hydrogen peroxide.

Dan didn’t particularly want to deal with Brian right now. Besides, he had some shopping to do. He gathered his things awkwardly and left, closing the door behind him. He leaned against the door and took a deep breath.

 _I can do this_ , he thought, encouraged. He almost believed himself.

 

 

There were a couple of things that separated this earth from others. First off, this earth had monsters, aliens, superheroes gone wrong, and occasional destructive beings attacking the human race on an almost a monthly basis. Apparently, on alternate versions, attacks rarely happened, and when they did, the entire planet panicked. This earth’s people went on with their daily lives, and knew how to manage unthinkable disasters while also wondering what to make for dinner. It’s perhaps this kind of blasé approach to death, destruction, and disaster that led Dan to live on this planet. Well, that and the fact that Ninja Brian lived here, but he promised himself he wouldn’t think about that jerk.

While one grocery store had been completely destroyed, a new one rose in a flurry of construction in less than a week. As soon as the employees had stocked the shelves, the store opened, and he could shop for dinner. The same customers shuffled in, shopping for their same groceries.

Dan’s only objection to the new situation was the fact that the price for chicken stock had risen by at least two whole dollars. God, why was stock suddenly so expensive? He guessed he could make it himself, but who had the time for that shit? You had to get a bunch of vegetables and chicken, and maybe a bone. Far too much effort.

So he shopped around for a bit, eventually coming back for the chicken stock. It was a good brand, so he could deal with paying more. Besides, he guessed having the entire store destroyed and built back up again led to some price changes. Also, a Steel Panther song started playing on the shitty speakers on the ceiling, and he fell into a pleasant mood while humming along.

“You,” someone shouted, and his attention was torn from the soup he wanted. He swung the basket around, resting it on his hip. A kid, and he was a kid, based on how skinny he was, not to mention the absolutely dreadful technique he used on a bow. God, how young were they recruiting ninjas now? Ten? The black garb and mask didn’t have the same fear when put on someone younger than fifteen.

“Where’s Brian?” The kid asked, keeping the arrow locked onto his chest, “Tell me or die.”

Dan huffed, and looked back at the can he’d been inspecting.

“I don’t care,” he said, in a completely convincing manner, “He can go fuck himself.”

The boy’s eyes squinted, and suddenly there was an arrow through the meat of his thigh. His groceries dropped to the floor.

“Oh fuck, that hurts! What the fuck, man? What’s your fucking deal, man? I don’t know where Brian is, I kicked him out of my house, okay? Okay, man? Is that good enough for you, man?”

He gestured to the food on the floor, “You made me drop my groceries. I need to make dinner, and now I have to deal with this shit.” The ninja ignored him, and instead of acting like a decent human, reached for another arrow and took aim.

“Do you have any idea where he could have gone?” This kid was a total asshole, so they would be perfect buddies. He absolutely had no problem with the idea of Brian having a new best friend. No problem at all, and definitely no jealousy.

Danny shrugged, “He’s probably still in New York,” he admitted, “He always said the pizza’s the best here.”

“The Alliance thanks you,” the kid said, probably thinking he sounded badass, but before Dan could roll his eyes, an arrow went through his skull and he blacked out.


	10. Chapter 6

After ranting to Uni for a couple of millennia, Dan returned to his body, pissed at the turn of events. He hadn’t even been able to go right to his own universe. Instead, Uni threw him across the multiverse to a planet while waiting for his body. His memories of that place horrified him, and despite all its flaws, he was glad to be back home.

Since he got a new body, he didn’t wake up in the grocery store fully clothed. Nope. He woke up in a grungy alley butt naked. He somehow had to figure out where he was and find his way back with his dick out. This was not a new experience for Dan, but that didn’t make walking home without getting arrested any easier.

Once he sorted himself out, he had to return to the grocery store, gather all his products, re-evaluate the price of chicken stock, pay for it anyways, grumble about the price passive-aggressively during checkout, and walk home. Even with the invigorated pep in his body, he still felt like crap. Fighting with Brian tended to have that effect on people.

Despite having no one to share it with, Dan made the pie anyways. Cooking relaxed him, and his problems seemed to melt away when he stood in front of a chopping board or a skillet.

Just as he pulled the pie from the oven, he heard Brian walk back towards the door. He peered out into the entrance hall, where Brian stood covered in plastic sheeting. He held a saw, a knife kit, and an axe. They were all sparkling clean, stripped free of damning evidence and unsightly stains. He placed them in the entrance closet, and turned his attention to a series of garbage bags neatly tied and placed by the front door. Brian looked at Dan, and they both stared.

Danny briefly considered inviting Brian to join him for pie, but decided against it. He was still mad. Brian gave Dan a look, but lifted the garbage bags over his shoulder and walked out, taking the shovel along with him.

He left a slice on the counter, laying a fork next to the plate. Disposing of bodies was hard work, after all.

The pie was gone when he came back, and he didn’t quite know how he felt about it.

 

 

When he came home that night, midnight had already passed. He stepped into his house, flicking on the lights and throwing his jacket against the wall. His entire body ached, and the stress from the past few days felt relentless.

He had a hot shower and immediately jumped into bed. Slipping on his glasses, he curled up with his copy of _The Art of Buttsex._ He had got his copy signed at the release, but somehow had barely started it before now. Brian appeared in the doorway, and before Dan could even greet him, or question why he was in the house, or if he liked the new chicken pie recipe, the lights went out. Darkness cloaked the room, and he dropped the book in confusion.

“Brian? What the hell?”

He couldn’t hear anything but his own breath, but he felt Brian’s weight make the bed dip.

“If this is a joke I’m not in the right mood, man.”

Brian moved closer, close enough that he felt the hairs on his arm raise. Dan didn’t say anything, and didn’t know what to do.

Brian grabbed Dan’s arm, making him jump in surprise. He led his hands up to his neck, and put Dan’s fingers by the edge of the fabric. Hoping he was getting the right message, Dan followed, gently pulling the mask up and over his head. He put the mask down beside him, and felt a rush of awkwardness. What was he supposed to do now? He supposed this was a sort of trust exercise, but he had no idea what was on the table. Brian answered for him and took his hands again, this time leading them towards his face.

He thought Brian’s face would be tough and unyielding, but his skin felt soft and radiated heat. He traced his cheekbones in the darkness and moved his fingers downwards, getting a rough visual map of his face. He cupped his cheeks, feeling the beginnings of stubble scratch against his thumb, and brushed a thick nose gently. It felt crooked, as if Brian had broken in many times. Knowing him, Danny didn’t doubt it. He moved to touch his lips, and travelled back up to his eyes, which fluttered closed when he came near. Finally he ran his fingers through Brian’s short hair, which made the other man jolt under his touch.

“Shit, sorry.” Dan removed his hands, thinking he had done something wrong, but Brian found them and pulled them back to his face. He repeated the action a second time, but gripped the back of his neck for a second. He could feel electricity building in his gut, raw and energizing. Brian’s hands found his face, which certainly didn’t help, and he slipped off Dan’s glasses, putting them on the bedside table with a clatter. Dan held his breath.

He really should have seen it coming, but he didn’t expect Brian to kiss him, especially not with enough force that it hurt. He let out a noise of surprise, and their teeth clacked for a moment before Danny centered himself. When Brian started pulling away, he grabbed him roughly by the shoulders. If he let Brian run away from him this time he would never forgive himself. _Not today, fucker._

The weird behavior finally made sense. The possessiveness, the unbroken eye contact finally clicked in Dan’s brain. Was that Brian’s attempt at flirting? Because he was really, really, terrible at it. Most of all, the surprise homophobia made sense, even if it was a shitty thing to do. Dan was still salty about that, but if Brian was willing to get over it, he’d sure as hell kiss him back.

He opened his mouth for Brian, and was treated to desperate, sloppy kisses. Brian’s hands found themselves on his cheeks and he suddenly felt grounded, held down. He let himself be led by the kiss, letting Brian explore his mouth with surety. One of Brian’s hands found Dan’s neck and gripped it, pushing him down to the bed. Dan felt his cock twitch as he was held under an iron grip. He had seen those hands kill countless times before. Experiencing them in a new light was thrilling.

Brian swung his legs over to straddle the other man, and Dan could instantly feel how hard he was. Brian’s shirt came off, and Dan’s hands dug into his hipbones, getting him to stay in place. Testing the waters, he ground up into Brian’s crotch, and let himself grow a shit-eating grin when he heard the other man’s breath catch.

“You know, it’s still gay if it’s in the dark.” As if to tell him to shut the fuck up, the ninja leaned down and kissed quick little trails up Danny’s neck, stopping at the end to nibble on an earlobe. It worked. Dan squirmed under him, trying to get more friction on his dick. Brian’s hands found their way to the hem of his shirt, and tugged, ripping it off entirely when Dan lifted up his back. He explored his lean stomach and ran his fingers along the subtle grooves made by his ribs, making gooseflesh ripple down his body.

“Ah, fuck.” Dan gasped as Brian kissed down his stomach, holding his hipbones down as he neared his belly button. He nuzzled at the hairs pointed south, and palmed at Danny’s bulge.

This was all happening very quickly, which he was more than happy about, but he knew for a fact that Brian had never fucked a guy before. Brian was acting all macho now, but Dan couldn’t be sure how far he wanted to go.

“We can go slowly,” he said as Brian pulled his dick out, “You don’t have to-“ he then felt a soft mouth envelop him, and he barely stopped himself from bucking up into the heat. “Ah! Right into the blowjob! Okay!”

Brian’s blowing techniques were less than stellar, and more than once Dan had to cry out, “watch the teeth!” He learned quickly, though, and more than once would do a trick with his tongue that made Dan’s toes curl. If he made Dan moan out loud, he’d immediately do it again, and drive Dan crazy. What a bastard. Soon Danny was panting, and he put his hand on the back of his head, gently grabbing the short hair.

“I’m gonna come,” he said, and added an “oh god,” before doing just that. Brian popped his mouth off just in time, letting Dan soil their new sheets. He caught his breath for a moment, and Danny ran through his head how many days he had until laundry day, but quickly shook himself out of it. Now was not the time.

He pulled Brian close to him, kissing his face with relentless pecks. Brian held both his cheeks as if to say _, Hold still_ , and kissed him properly, long and sweet. Danny had never pegged Brian as a romantic, but the way he kissed felt emotional and raw. Dan felt a flutter of discomfort in his belly in response, and focused on what he knew best: dicks.

He could feel Brian hard as a rock as he ground down into his boney hip. He reached around and tugged at Brian’s pants, and when Brian managed to kick them off he leaned back. He put a pillow just behind his head, getting the right angle and took Brian’s arm.

“Straddle my face and grab hold of the headboard,” he said, waiting for Brian to comply. Finding the position took a moment of awkward fumbling, but soon Brian found his place, giving Dan a face full of dick. Taking the cock in his mouth, he did an experimental bob with his mouth, and gave himself an internal high-five when Brian let out a series of heavy breaths.

He reached around and took hold of Brian’s butt, grabbing the cheeks and guiding him farther in. Once Brian got the message, he started shallowly thrusting with Dan’s guidance. Dan literally had decades to perfect this, and with all the practice he’d had, his gag reflex had completely disappeared. Brian was going easy on him, doing languid, easy thrusts that pissed Dan off. He slapped Brian’s butt, making his entire body jolt in either indignation or surprise. Probably both. As if to drive the point home, Dan took the dick to the base, swallowing heavily around the shaft.

Brian threw caution to the wind and thrust hungrily, making Dan’s eyes water at the assault on his throat. It made him feel dirty in all the right ways. He loved being used like this, letting himself be a fucktoy for Brian. He wished the lights weren’t off. Firstly, sex in the dark was always difficult, and secondly, he wanted to see Brian. He wanted to see his face, and watch as he fell apart.

Brian was shaking above him, he could feel the quaking in his thighs, and his thrusts grew faster, more stuttered and sloppy. He could hear him as well. Brian let out fast breaths as he moved. They weren’t vocalizations technically, but hearing the proof of what he did to Brian made him feel like a millionaire all the same.

Brian pulled back a little, and put his hand on Danny’s face in warning, but he leaned forwards and took Brian’s cock stubbornly. Brian came in Danny’s mouth, and Dan could feel shudders wrack through him as he swallowed. Once he stopped shaking, Brian climbed off of Dan, letting out a large breath as he plopped down on the bed besides him.

Dan was always prepared for situations like this, so he effortlessly reached under the bed, grabbing a couple of baby wipes for him and Brian. He could hear shuffling in the dark around him, and felt the nearby bed in search of his hand.

“Stay here, at least for the night,” he said, feeling a little disappointed in himself for sounding so desperate. Brian stilled for a moment, and complied, shifting so he was under the covers. Once Dan did the same, he felt Brian snuggle up to him. He fell asleep.

He had a hazy dream, and halfway through the night he woke up, feeling large arms surround him and a hairy chest against his head. _It’s been a while since I fucked a guy_ , he thought to himself, actually believing three days was a long period to go without sex, _and even longer since he stayed the night,_ before realizing that it wasn’t just a guy.

He fucked Brian.

Holy shit. A fearful excitement built in his stomach, something warm and sickly sweet that seeped through his entire being.

A faint beam of moonlight lit up the room, and once his eyes had adjusted he could see Brian’s face. _Am I crossing some boundary?_ He thought to himself, but was too curious to look away.

His face was broad, with a defined jaw and thick, deep-set lips. The light made it difficult to distinguish the colour, but it looked gray, with little flecks of white here and there. A scar, gleaming shiny and white in the dark, stretched across his nose, and as Dan looked closer he could see many smaller ones all over. His neck surprised him the most. A jagged, brutal-looking mark stretched along his neck, the worst of it right over his adam’s apple. He reached over, tracing the spot with gentle fingers, feeling the difference between stubble and skin, and smooth healed flesh.

And arm came up faster than he could process, grabbing his wrist, and Brian’s sharp eyes opened to fixate on him. He felt a rush of fear, and tried his best not look guilty. He shouldn’t have looked, and now Brian was gonna kill him, and he’d have to start this all over again.

Instead, Brian brought Dan’s hand to his lips and kissed it in such a gentle manner Dan’s mind fizzled a bit. He dropped the hand and signed, _Go to sleep_ , ending it by fingerspelling _F-U-C-K-B-O-I_ with a smug smile.

Dan had never seen him smile before, not with the mask off. It felt like a secret, one that had to be held close to his chest. _Is that my new name, now?_ He replied, and Brian only did a little nod with his fist before turning over. Dan took the message, finding himself a comfortable position before falling asleep again.

He noticed the stream of sunlight breaking through the thick curtains, because it landed right on his face. He groaned and turned over, but knew he wouldn’t be getting back to sleep anytime soon. When he stretched himself out, he noticed something amiss. Brian was gone.

He tried his best not to be disappointed. Brian would be back soon enough.


	11. Make Dan's Sub Par Chicken Pie!

**You will need:**

1 pie crust and topper.

1 chopped onion

¾ cup of chopped celery

2 tablespoons of butter

¾ cup of chopped carrots

¾ cup of chopped potatoes

1/3 of a cup of all-purpose flour

1 teaspoon poultry seasoning

¼ teaspoon of black pepper

1 ½ cups of chicken broth

1 cup of half-and-half

2 ½ cups chopped cooked chicken

1 cup frozen peas

1 beaten egg

Every house has a sort of stock item in the fridge or pantry that gets pulled out when people can’t be bothered to cook. In my house, that was chicken pie. They sold them for cheap at Costco, and I think they still do. Makes sense, because they were actually half decent. You’d just shove a couple in the freezer and take them out when you needed one.

Whenever our family was too busy to go buy groceries, out came the chicken pie. Friends over? Pop a chicken pie in the oven. Need a quick lunch but can’t be bothered to clean the kitchen afterwards? Chicken pie. Just feel like chicken pie? Chicken pie all day. Needless to say, by the time I was old enough to move out, I never wanted to eat another chicken pie ever again. I was sick of them, and just the smell of it made me nauseous.

And as silly as it sounds, once I moved out, things changed. I missed being home, and even if I hated myself for it, I missed those damn chicken pies. When I went back to my parent’s place, I flipped through an old Betty Crocker cookbook, and went to the pies section. Sure enough, there was a sixty-year-old recipe for chicken pie. I may never want another Costco chicken pie in my life, but I’m nostalgic enough to make them from scratch the proper way. And besides, if you make a couple of them and wrap them properly, you can freeze them in bulk. Who knows when surprise relatives, unexpected guests, or badly organized food plans will happen? In those moments you can only smile and break out the chicken pie.

Cook the vegetables in a pan with some butter, but leave out the peas. Wait until the vegetables go soft and then stir in flour, poultry seasoning, pepper, and some salt to taste. Add broth and half-and-half at the same time. Cook and stir until thickened, stir in peas and chicken.

Pour the whole thing into a dish with the pastry, brushing the pastry edge with egg. Put on the topper, brushing the top with the rest of the egg. You can do that fancy thing where you push down the sides with perfectly measured curves, but know that I will harshly judge you if you do.

Bake for 30-35 minutes at 205 degrees, or until the edges brown.


	12. Chapter 7

He didn’t see Brian that day, so Dan spent the day running errands, taking time to do laundry, throw a meal in the slow cooker, mow the lawn, and other things of that nature. He saw no sign of the Ninja as he ate dinner, but left a note on the fridge about the leftover chili.

As Dan slipped into bed, Brian appeared, slamming the door and slipping off his shoes in the front hallway. Dan prepared himself, knowing he had to say something. Nerves fizzled in his stomach, but he remained solid.

He waited until Brian sat beside him on the bed. By the way he held himself, Brian probably knew what he was going to say. Dan said it anyways.

“You have some internalized homophobia to work through.” He stated. His voice gave no room for argument, and Brian didn’t deny it. He still stared blankly at the wall, but signed, _I know._

“I’ll help you work through this, Brian. And I’ve had almost a century to deal with this, so I know what I’m doing. But you can’t just ignore this, Brian. That’s not going to fucking work, Brian, so either you deal with it yourself, or ask for my help.” Brian didn’t look at him, but moved his hands, obviously resigned.

_Okay. I’ll figure it out._

 

 

After they started sleeping together, their relationship didn’t change much, to Dan’s complete surprise. Sure, when watching Game of Thrones on a lazy Sunday sometimes Brian would straddle him and tear his mask off and Dan’s understanding of the plot would quickly deteriorate. Or sometimes after dinner, a quick thank-you peck would turn into desperate kisses that led to Dan crying out Brian’s name on the living room couch. After several failed attempts, they found the right position, technique, and pace for actual fucking, or buttsex, as Brian liked to call it.

Danny quickly started to memorize his body, focusing on his thick eyebrows, the curly hairs on his chest, slight plumpness in his tummy, and deep set jaw. He learned where to kiss him, where to bite and scratch, how to suck his cock until Brian turned into a squirming mess. Of course, as payment Brian did the same thing, swooping in and dominating Dan whenever he needed it. Between practices Danny’d suddenly feel a slap on his ass, and turn around to see Brian, who’d look at him with a dizzying intensity.

So after a particularly satisfying round of something that left Danny content, if more than a little sore, his phone buzzed. He tore his eyes away from Brian’s back, which was now lined with bright red scratch marks stretching from top to bottom. His eyes heated a little at the sight, but he checked the text anyways.

“Hey, Brian.” He said, making him turn around mid-stretch, “We should hop over a couple dimensions. That planet with the unicorns needs our help. Apparently the evil monsters there can only be defeated by sick rock jams, and you know how difficult playing guitar is with hooves.”

 _Do we have to?_ Asked Brian, _I was kinda hoping we could hop in the shower together_. If ninjas could imitate puppies, they’d look like Brian did now.

“They threw that amazing orgy for us last year,” Dan explained, remembering the good times, “It’s the least we could do.” He gave him a smile though, feeling the heat in his belly flare again, “but I think we have time for a shower before we go.”

 

 

Brian led him to the shower, taking him by the hand and forcing him through the doorway of the bathroom. The shower started running, and soon the room filled with steam. Brian stepped into the water, pulling Dan along with him, pinning his back against the cold tiles.

“You’re so eager.” He noted with a laugh, and Brian smothered him with a sloppy kiss. Brian pressed against him taking a mouthful of neck and biting down hard.

“Oh, god,” Dan let his head fall to the side, giving Brian more room. Instead, Brian took a step back, and looked at him.

He put his hands on the wall, letting Brian’s eyes dissect him. Water trailed down his face, but he stayed where he was, too transfixed by the blue gaze. When Brian’s eyes broke from his body and snapped back up to Dan’s face, he felt his cock twitch.

 _You’re mine_ , Brian signed, kissing him under the stream. Water got into their mouths, and the whole shower thing made it difficult, but Danny kissed him back as well as he could.

A glob of unfamiliar emotions caught in his throat, and he broke the kiss. His stomach twisted.

 Dan didn’t know what to say, but Brian had already turned around, reaching towards the soap. He took a dollop of something, a new brand Dan had bought because it’d been on sale. Once Brian lathered up his hands, the thick scent of strawberry filled the shower.

Danny fully expected Brian to soap up his cock, but instead he grabbed Dan’s arm, bringing it close to him.

 _Can I wash you?_ He asked, and Dan nodded. This was new. Brian smiled, pressing a kiss to the inside of his bony wrist, and lathered up his arm. His fingers worked over the hair on his arm, massaging the skin gently as he went. He spread the suds over the inside of his arm, his palm, and between each finger. Brian’s eyes were alight with something half-recognizable. He knew the arousal, and had seen it countless times before, burning dark and thick. Something else was there, though, something deep and complicated. Dan didn’t want to think about that. He watched his skin get washed.

Brian had a specific technique it seemed. He’d start on a particular section and work upwards, spending time on each part of skin. After the amount of suds satisfied him, he took hold of the shower head and sprayed him down, before taking the time to put it back and start on a new section.

At this rate, if someone came too close, they might pass out from the pure force of strawberries.

Brian signed for him to turn around, and Dan complied.

He rested his forehead against the tiles as Brian washed his back, his legs, and the sensitive part of his neck and shoulders. The act was dominant and definitely part of a kink he hadn’t been aware Brian had, but it was done in such a loving way it made Dan nauseous. He was used to being used, and laying submissive for someone’s pleasure, but he had rarely dipped into this form of submission before. He had never just let someone take complete care of him. The feeling was unfamiliar, but he didn’t dislike it exactly. The discomfort was probably just from this being new. Yeah. That explained it.

 _Just tell him you want to suck his dick_ , he told himself. Before he could turn around, though, Brian reached around his body, slicking up his dick with a soapy hand. He groaned into the tiles, trying to buck up into the fist. Brian kept a painfully slow pace, taking his time with the strokes. He teased the slit with a light finger, and just as Dan cried out, the hand moved elsewhere, going to explore his balls.

“Oh, please, Brian.” It was so good. The water became too hot, and his breathing echoed off the close walls.

One of Brian’s hands traveled behind his balls, and pressed down on his perineum. He arched his back.

Brian pressed kissed to his neck behind him: not desperate pecks or savage love-bites, but long, slow kisses that made Danny’s knees weak. He kissed up his neck, making goosebumps raise on his arms despite the heat. Brian kissed his cheek, and rested his face on Dan’s back. Warmth blossomed in his chest, not arousal, but something heavy and sweet, and he wanted to push the feeling down. He wanted it out of his chest, away from his pores, to scrub it off and let it swirl down the drain.

Once fingers started to brush up against his hole he felt himself get close. His legs were shaking, and his self control disintegrated. He thrust up into Brian’s fist, hearing his own grunts and whines. The arousal in his belly peaked and came crashing over him in an overwhelming wave.

He came on the tiles in front of him, but Brian still stroked him, and he mewled at the overstimulation, before the hand finally dropped away.

His legs felt unsteady, and he took a moment to catch his breath. The shower knob squeaked behind him, and the water turned cool. He leaned back into the spray.

“Thanks, Brian.” He said, feeling refreshed. He turned around, and Brian kissed him again. Dan felt that discomfort swell again.

“Want me to blow you?” Brian gave him a look in response, pointing to his soft dick.

 _You may be the old man here, dumbass,_ he signed, _but I actually have the body of a forty-year-old._

Danny gave a hearty laugh, threading unsteady fingers through sopping hair, “yeah, fair enough.”

_But you owe me one when we get back._

“Totally,” he nodded. The uncomfortable feeling didn’t disappear. He still felt a bloom of warm emotions flood him when Brian kissed him again. The ninja stepped out of the shower, searching for a towel. Dan stayed behind. He needed to figure this out.

He didn’t talk as they prepared for the journey, and Dan kept his back to Brian as he organized the amps. Brian didn’t comment.

 

 

They had a totally awesome time. It was great. Dan let himself forget their time in the shower, slipping right back into his sexy, rocking personality. They performed their hardest, disintegrating the monsters and saving the unicorns from their planet’s doom. Also, the unicorns sure do know how to throw an orgy, so that was probably one of Dan’s highlights. Brian didn’t at all notice Dan not looking him in the eye, because he acted completely normal. Completely, one-hundred percent normal.

In fact, they had such a great time, once they got back home, they went into the house, leaving the space-time machine in the front yard. Dan made his special celebratory Sambuca prawns, and they went to bed. Dan even gave Brian his promised blow-job, so everything was once again right in the world.

They totally forgot about the space-time machine left in the open.

They totally forgot it was unlocked.

And they totally missed the suspicious figures sneaking up to it before disappearing into the night. What a bunch of idiots, right?

 

 

Their honeymoon phase came screeching to a halt one night when Dan woke up and felt trapped. He didn’t really have an excuse for why he started thinking, but once he did, he couldn’t stop. The clock flashed, 2:13, illuminating Brian’s sleeping form, and Dan felt sick.

 _Six years,_ he thought with a belly full of fear. _Six years living in the same house, snickering over the same jokes and writing music together._

It’s not like he could pretend relationships didn’t scare him; he was guilty of running away from the long term more times than he could count. Usually, though, those relationships started with sex and through either luck or bad planning, slipped into the romantic. He and Brian had always been emotional. Through all the dick jokes and stabbings lied a serious amount of trust and an understanding too terrifying to think about.

It was so easy to fuck up.

God, things were great right now, but wasn’t that a sure sign things were ready to come crashing down and screw up his life? As awesome as their friendship was, the threat of his horrendous romantic past loomed over them like the end of days. It would be all too easy for Dan to just sabotage the whole thing, forcing the only meaningful person out the door.

Oh god, and wasn’t that paralyzing, the thought of being left alone. Dan felt sick. His chest hurt. Where did that headache come from? He sat up, wondering if he might throw up. Climbing out of bed, he refused to look at Brian and instead padded to the bathroom. The tiles felt cold on his feet, but he sat on them, leaning next to the toilet. The ugly brown churning in his stomach didn’t stop, and he ran a shaking hand through his hair.

He had never understood people. More specifically, he never understood the fear of death. Ever since meeting Uni he treated death as an inconvenience, not an unmovable force that dictated daily life. Before that, he’d never thought about death. Mortality never seemed to affect the young like it did the old, and Dan was no exception.

His stomach felt unbearable, but he couldn’t throw up. He shoved his head towards the bowl, waiting, but nothing happened. No point in forcing his fingers down his throat either. His breath felt ragged, and he couldn’t breathe enough. He was so, so trapped.

He had never understood loss either. He had an endless number of years. Any chance he could ever miss would be there for him again, and again, and again in a future he would see soon. Brian made him understand loss, or more precisely, the fear of loss. Losing Brian couldn’t happen.

There it was, the stabbing feeling in his chest, the harsh soreness in his belly. He coughed, and a stream of vomit fell from his mouth. He spat, and threw up again, trying to stay as silent as possible. The bathroom shared a wall with the bedroom, and Dan had stupidly forgot to shut the door. He heaved again and again, and soon there was nothing to throw up, and he kneeled there, waiting for the spasms to stop. His stomach had stopped churning for the most part, but his chest still felt cramped, and his heart was pounding hard.

“Shit.” He said into the bowl, and flushed the toilet. After taking a second to lean back on his heels, he got up. His legs were shaking, and he stumbled across the tiles, still out of breath. Turning on the sink, he washed his mouth out, and splashed some extra cold water on his face. He nearly freaked out when he looked at a reflection in the mirror.

Brian stood in the doorway, looking concerned. Dan wanted to throw up again.

“I’m fine.” He croaked, even though Brian hadn’t asked, “Go to sleep.”

It was an awful thing to think, and the very thought made Danny hate himself. There were universes with alternate versions of him in it, and Uni had once explained that there were countless versions of Dan, though he was the only Dan who’d managed to become immortal. If things took a turn for the worse, he could always search for another universe, another earth, and find another Brian to settle down with. He could live out his entire existence with endless Brians, one after the other, theoretically.

Brian looked unconvinced, but he turned away, giving Danny a glance before walking back to their bed.

 _It’s only a last resort,_ he told himself, but it was enough to calm the storm in his stomach. He focused on breathing slow and deep for another ten minutes on the bathroom floor. After his heartbeat slowed, he slipped in besides Brian, hoping they could forget about this in the morning.

 

 

The next day, Danny acted like nothing happened, and the both of them had a lovely time walking in the park. He enjoyed the scenery. They lived in a nice area, and the air smelt fresh and clean. The sun shone down on them, not too hot or cold, and the wind wasn’t too bad either. It would be a perfect day, if they excluded the multitudes of bodies strewn across the grass.

“There’s significantly more murders happening than I feel is reasonable, Brian.” Dan remarked, still holding Brian’s hand. The ninja shrugged, and Dan felt a twinge of annoyance. He guessed it was a little hypocritical that he had an entire breakdown, didn’t explain anything, and still got mad when it seemed like Brian was hiding something. In his defense, though, he highly doubted Brian would appreciate the conclusion he came to, and he still had a right to be pissed off when he was left out of the loop.

A man in a dark garb similar to Brian’s came sprinting towards them, brandishing a weapon Dan couldn’t remember the name for. Brian sliced him in half without turning around.

 _Let’s go get some ice cream_ , he signed, and maybe it was the fact that Brian was willing to not talk about the rising tension between them, or maybe it was the fact that he now had blood on his favorite kimono. Either way, his mood was darkening. Dan took a deep breath.

“Two orangesicles, please,” he said to a vendor.

“They’re free of charge,” squeaked the man, eyeing the blood on Brian’s sword. He sprinted off before Dan could say thank you. Dan held his popsicle and unwrapped it in misery. At least it was his favorite flavor. Last time they only had shitty ones, like _Luscious Lemon_ , and _Endless Agony Apple_ , and by far the worst of all, _Demonic Darkness Durian_.

“You worthless traitor!” Another man came dashing up to them, and once again Brian cut him down. The man screamed in agony, his intestines spilling out of a giant gash.

A small drop of blood landed on Dan’s popsicle. Something in him snapped.

“Brian, why are they calling you a traitor? That’s an oddly specific word to be called, Brian.”

Brian looked at him pointedly, _why did you freak out last night?_

Dan looked away, dropping Brian’s hand and crossing his arms.

“I ate something bad, okay, Brian? That a good enough for you, Brian?” Even without looking at him, Dan could feel the hot anger coming off of Brian in waves.

“Why are you a traitor, Brian?” He forced himself to look into the ninja’s eyes. Brian remained stubborn.

_I’ll tell you when you tell me what’s wrong._

Dan refused to say anything else for the remainder of the walk. He dropped the orangesicle in the trash on the way out, and they went home.


	13. Make Dan's Everything-is-Totally-Fine Sambuca Prawns

**You will need:**

1 onion diced finely  
2 cloves of minced garlic  
¼ teaspoon of chili seeds  
¼ teaspoon of chopped teragon  
12 prawn cutlets, deveined and cleaned  
1 shot of white Sambuca  
125 gram of angel hair pasta  
20 ml freshly squeezed lemon juice   
40 grams of parmesan cheese

Sauté the onion, prawns and garlic in a hot saucepan. Caramelize them. De -glaze with Sambuca. Add as much salt and pepper as you like and add the other spices. Add the lemon juice. Take off the heat.  
Cook angel hair pasta, strain it and add it to the prawn dish with the parmesan. If you’re not a fan of pasta, serve it as an appetizer, with bread for dipping.

Make sure to act like everything is completely fine to whoever you serve this to, despite the fact that you’re clearly not telling them something. The poor communication adds extra flavour. Enjoy!


	14. Chapter 8

Two weeks later, Danny watched Brian practice in the guestroom. Well, it used to be a guest bedroom, but over the years Brian had slowly converted it into his own dojo. Dan guessed having guests stay on the couch was okay, especially if Brian stayed strong enough to lift him up and fuck him against the wall. Besides, sometimes he would do sets of kicks or punches for old time’s sake, and other times he enjoyed watching Brian practice.

So Brian was hitting a punching bag in complicated, precise motions that seemed just a little too angry, but Dan didn’t say much. Dan still felt sick at night, and Brian held off near constant assassination attempts. Besides all that, though, they had fallen back into their normal routine. Saving the world, having sex, and going to the new knitting club at the rebuilt community center occupied most of their time.

Brian had been practicing for hours, and had long since stripped off his mask and shirt. Dan watched him punch, kick, and elbow and dizzying speed. Sweat dripped onto the mat beneath bare feet, and pivoting with intense strength, he gave a roundhouse kick so powerful it sent the bag flying off the chain. It slammed into the wall, and made such a large smacking noise that Dan jumped. Brian looked at him, making Dan’s belly tinge with guilt.

And like nothing happened, Brian walked over to the rack of weapons and picked up a short sword. He twirled it in his hands, taking a warrior’s position. He stepped back and forth, going through the motions Dan remembered from his own ninja education. He suddenly had a thought.

“Brian, did you move the space-time machine?” The ninja stopped mid-swing, and looked at him, as if to say, _no, you fuck._

Danny took a moment, and left the room. Gears started turning in his head.

 

 

Walks with your boyfriend were apparently becoming very dangerous, and not in the way Danny had to deal with in the eighties and nineties. Nope. It was more an angry mob of ninjas dangerous. As they turned a corner, Brian’s entire body went rigid, and he unsheathed his sword. Dan didn’t see anything in the alley beside them, but he looked up to the rooftops just in time. He jumped out of the way of an arrow, and it hit the concrete behind him with a terrifying noise. Another arrow went straight for Brian, and he sliced it down the middle, holding his sword in the ready position as the split arrow fell to the ground. Dan’s heart stopped for a second. Holy shit.

Ninjas dropped from the roof above them, and blocking off all exits and pinning up against the wall. Some had swords, some had sais, and a few, standing a ways back, had arrows aimed straight for them. One of them stepped forwards.

“You’ve taken ten years,” a woman clad in black spat out her words with a surprising bitterness. “We were happy to answer your failure with excommunication.” Dan looked at Brian for an explanation, but he ignored him, staring at her with unbelievable rage.

“But he’s part of another clan, and you’re living with him! How dare you betray us?” She gestured to the many people in black behind her, “When we gave you everything you have? When we took your life and saved you from yourself?”

“Brian, what’s she talking about?” Everyone ignored him and Brian gave them all a middle finger.

 _If you’re so butthurt about it, come kill me, fuckers_. The woman laughed in reply.

“Oh, it’s not that simple. Once we’re done with you you’ll wish you were dead.” Brian put his hands to his temples and Danny flung himself to the ground, knowing what came next.

His body still went flying, and the air seemed to ripple with intensity before exploding in a ball of fire. His back hit the concrete wall hard enough to hear a sickening crack, and he curled up on himself in pain, clutching his side. What was happening? The air rang out loud enough that he moaned in pain, but his voice made no sound. Dizzy and half conscious, he looked at his hand, thinking, _fuck_ , when he saw far more blood than he expected.

The ringing didn’t stop, but he looked around, seeing an entire gang of ninjas Dan didn’t recognize swarm Brian. He couldn’t hear the clash of metal against metal, or the screams of a man Brian cleaved in two. He couldn’t hear anything but the endless ringing. _I need to help him_ , Dan thought, but the edges of his vision started to darken, and he knew he could do nothing but wait to die. He focused himself by taking slow breaths, but his head couldn’t stop swimming. Brian kept his back against the wall, doing his best to fend off the horde. While defending one attack, he left an opening, and a sword slashed open his shirt, leaving a gash on his arm that bled with an alarming rate.

A portal opened, and more people joined the battle, jumping into the fray. Through Danny’s blurry vision, he recognized his own clan members. Jerry, a longtime friend and excellent assassin, turned to him, giving him a brief thumbs up before decapitating an enemy with one hand. The real battle had begun, clan fighting clan. There were so many bodies moving faster than he could track. Where was Brian? Oh, god, he couldn’t find Brian. He squinted, but his vision only swam more. Dan had lost too much blood, and he passed out against the wall, still searching for his friend.

 

 

Danny’s soul ripped away from his body, and he travelled through the path to the universe, forcing himself out of discomfort _. I need to get to the universe_ , he thought, _they’ll know what to do._ Stars moved timelessly around him, and the unchanging face of god appeared before him and waved.

“’Sup.” They nodded, and Dan immediately answered.

“You need to send me back.” He started, and the universe cocked their head, “I need to help Brian, please give me back my body.”

God shook their head, looking thoroughly sorry, “You’re body’s completely destroyed, man.” And Dan wanted to scream in frustration. “Someone set it on fire and scattered the ashes. I can’t even rebuild it in your own universe. I need to send you to a new one before I can even start regenerating.”

Dan’s soul punched the air, “Shit!” he yelled. The universe put their hands up, trying to slow him down.

“Why? You’re so angry. What happened?” Dan took a breath.

“Brian’s in trouble. We were attacked, and I died before I could do anything. I need to go back, Uni, please.”

“There’s nothing I can do. I’m so sorry Dan.”

Dan sighed, feeling a crushing sadness come over him. He might be dead. Brian might be dead. Oh, god, he might be dead and there’s nothing Dan could do.

“Send me.” He said, and would have choked on the words if he had a body at the moment. “I don’t care where. Just send me right now, please.”

“You’ll be okay,” Said Uni, patting him on the back, “Everything will work out.” Dan didn’t reply, and his soul shot off.

 

 

 

 

When he woke up, found some ratty clothes and figured out some vague surroundings, he didn’t notice anything different from his own universe.

 _Maybe Uni pulled through after all_. Hopefully they had.

The streets looked like New York, the people looked and acted the same. He walked through the crowd, finding his way home. He spotted the train station. Strangely enough, it wasn’t closed off from last month’s attack. A pit dropped in his stomach.

 “Hey! Not so grump!” A voice cut his out from his thoughts. Confused, he turned around, and found himself face to face with an excited girl of about seventeen.

“Uh, I’m Danny, Danny Sexbang,” He clarified, and her face brightened at his words, and she laughed in reply.

“Yeah, of course. Could you sign this? You’re my favorite grump. Are you gonna play the DS version of Trauma Center anytime? It’d be cool if you did, but whatever.” A pen and a pink water bottle were thrust into his hands, and he smiled, pretending not to be stressed. She thanked him, and after taking a selfie, she ran off, looking like a happy clam.

This was not his universe.

 

 

It took him half the time it usually did, considering the trains were functional in this city. Finally, finally, he made it home. Or, rather, the version of his house this was. It had a different coat of paint, and you couldn’t see his colourful collection of butt plugs through the front window. God, this Dan was boring.

He knocked on the door, not even sure if someone would reply, but he heard movement inside the house. When the door opened, he found himself face to face with Brian.

“Hey, man,” said Brian, and Danny almost dropped to the floor hearing him speak, “Aren’t you supposed to be in Tennessee with Arin and Suzy?”

“Uh,” he didn’t quite know what to say. Those names sounded familiar, but he couldn’t quite place them. He looked at Brian, who didn’t have a single black garment on him. He wore a simple pair of jeans and some mismatched socks, a simple button-up shirt, and weirdest of all, didn’t have his mask on.

“Also, why do you look like you just rolled out of the garbage? Like, seriously, there must be a story there.”

God, it wasn’t Brian. Well, it was. He had the same face, the same build, the same aggressive, masculine stance. He even had the same eyes, piercing blue that seemed to see straight through Danny. But it wasn’t his Brian. His Brian would spare no time in signing something offensive, or threatening Danny with immediate death. This Brian seemed friendly, and even worse, like a functional human being capable of empathy and compassion. Danny was terrified. He needed Ninja Brian again. He wanted to be home in his own house, with his own Brian. Was it possessive to call Brian his own? Probably. It still felt like the truth. Besides, Brian had said he was his all the time. It felt only fair.

“I need to go.” It was probably rude to rush off like he did, but he just started running. The house that wasn’t his house disappeared behind him. As he ran he noticed this New York looked the same as his own, except for a few specific details. Space president elections apparently didn’t happen in April here, so the city was free of any annoying posters, and the huge historical statue of the Dinosaur Laser Fight had never been built. Everything was so similar here, but entirely wrong.

 

 

He made his way next to Uni as quickly as humanly possible, which might have included a bus and a helicopter. The specifics of that didn’t really matter to him.

“Is my body ready?” he didn’t even ask how they were. Uni didn’t seem to mind.

“Yep.” And he was sent back.


	15. Make An Incredibly Irresponsible Bonfire!

A long, long time ago, my cousin and I would do stupid, dangerous things, which seems weird, because he was well over the age of twenty five and really should have known better. I was barely fourteen, so I at least had the excuse of an undeveloped brain. We both had received absolutely horrendous gifts from our grandma. She loves giving gross coloured clothes from the thrift store, but she has a habit of thinking that we’re a good five sizes smaller than we actually are. So I got a bright pink woolen turtleneck that I couldn’t fit over my head, while my cousin got some barf themed socks. They were impressively awful.

So when you’re young, irresponsible, and have a summer to do stupid shit, what better way to spend your time than to burn your grandmother’s gifts? We got a fire going the good ol’ fashioned way, but I had gotten my cousin some lighter fluid last Christmas. We threw our gifts into the flames and poured a shit-ton into the fire.

God, what a sight that was. Instead of exploding, or making a fireball, the flames just grew taller, and taller, and you could feel the intense heat on your face as the garments twisted and writhed. The socks were made out of some weird material, so this dank, plastic-y stench just assaulted us. It was all good, though, because we had a lot more lighter fluid and some time to kill.

Unlike my dad, we didn’t burn the forest down (and yes, my dad burned down an acre of forestland in the seventies. It’s an entirely different story). But the next day, when we went to put the fireplace away, we looked up and saw that the tops of my mom’s prized trees had been singed. We probably would have started a fire if it hadn’t been raining on and off that week. We didn’t tell my mother.


	16. Chapter 9

Danny woke in a concrete room, one lined with long, dark tapestries and weapons on the walls. He recognized the symbols immediately. He was trained in this room, grew stronger in it, and worked alongside the other students. Mostly, though, his time here consisted of the daily harsh beatings from his peers. Fond memories.

“Hello?” his voice wasn’t hoarse, and when he shifted around, he could tell he’d been given a new body. Funny: he wasn’t naked. Someone had dressed him in a light blue kimono. No one answered him, and when his eyes adjusted to the dark, he saw no one in the room.

He stretched and got up, walking to a thick wooden door and pushing it open. He hadn’t seen these walls in almost thirty years, and memories of the hallway, the tapestries, and the harsh training from the elders flooded back to him. When he stopped, he could hear murmuring, so he followed the voices.

“I know this is hard to understand,” a familiar voice echoes off the walls of the cafeteria, and Dan stepped through the doorway, making a couple heads in the back turn, “but we need to move past it and prepare for battle. We have to catch them off guard, or they’ll come to us.”

“Yo!” he shouted at the man, most of his anxiety forgotten, “Jerry!”

Jerry, thirty years older, and much more stern, turned around. His face lit up, “Sexbang!” He lifted his hands up, pulling Dan into a crushing hug. He had a lot more muscle than the last time they’d met, “Good to see you again.”

“It’s been too long.” He replied, “Are you the commander now? Who’s dick did you suck to get that position?”

Once he escaped from the crushing arms, he noticed Brian standing next to him, but he looked back to Jerry, who shook his head.

“Nope,” he pointed to someone beside Brian, who looked too tired to deal with this shit, “he is.”

“Nice to meet you. I’m Ninja Sexbang.” He bowed to the new commander, who looked sour.

“You’re not really a ninja.”

“Yeah I am,” he corrected. The commander hadn’t been here when Danny was trained, so it was reasonable for him to make that mistake. “I passed the task and graduated from this very clan.”

“Oh a technicality.”

If you fought one of the dragons after basic training and stole a piece of their treasure, as long as you came back alive, you passed. The dragon slaughtered most people in brutal and creative ways.

“So it took me a couple tries,”

“547 tries,” Jerry corrected.

“It took me 547 tries,” he repeated, getting annoyed, “but I came back alive and with some treasure, so by your laws exactly, I’m a ninja.”

 _How’d you succeed on the 547 th try_? Asked Ninja Brian, obviously feeling left out of the conversation. Danny turned to him.

“By the 300 mark I started chatting with the dragon, and we eventually became bros.” As it had turned out, dragons aren’t particularly evil, they just don’t appreciate people taking their shit. “I cut a deal with him, and said that afterwards I’d bring whatever I stole back. He let me take it.”

“You befriended the being that killed you 546 times?”

 _He has a habit of doing that,_ explained Brian, _surprisingly, it works._

“Oh yeah,” Jerry said, turning on Dan, “You did the same thing with Brian. Dan, what the fuck? This is what caused this whole mess.”

_Actually, he’s right. What the fuck?_

“Oh, I’m sorry, Brian. Forgive me for befriending you. I didn’t know your clan of assholes would take it personally and start a clan war, Brian. God, it’s like friendship is a crime these days.”

“They took you living with one of their clan members as an act of war,” explained the commander, “and now they have your space-time machine,” he glared at Dan, “that you left sitting on your front lawn unlocked.”

“We live in a good neighborhood,” he defended himself. Why weren’t they getting on Brian’s case about this, too? “It took me learning the greatest secrets of the universe to understand how to use it.”

“Well,” sighed Jerry, “if they haven’t already, they’re gonna figure it out soon, so we need to defeat them before they jump to our dimension. Or, in the worst case scenario, search around the multiverse for the most powerful weapons in existence.”

 _I feel like that’d be bad,_ signed Brian. Danny ignored him.

“I suppose you both think this is all my fault, then?”

The entire room stared at Danny, unimpressed.

“You guys suck.” He threw out, “What are we waiting for, then? Let’s go kill some dicks!”

 _I do like the sound of that_ , agreed Brian. The commander rubbed the bridge of his nose, taking a moment, but took out his katana all the same.

“Prepare for battle!” He boomed, and the entire room cheered.

 

 

The day was a flurry of preparation. Weapons were sharpened, armour was cleaned, and snacks were packed for the long journey. Dan was the main snack-packer, because apparently no one else understood the severity of going into battle without bagels or fishy crackers. God, what a bunch of amateurs. At least he’d be well-fed.

The commander, followed by Jerry, took Brian and made him draw out a map of the compound. He knew the place by heart, _though they may have changed something while I was gone._

“It’s better than nothing,” said Jerry, and Brian nodded.

_They won’t know what hit them._

Dan cornered Brian once most of his things were in order, finding his room easily. Brian had ignored the pile of furs by the fireplace, opting for his own bamboo mat.

 _These ninjas act more like knights_ , Brian gestured to the chain mail sewn into the black garb of his gear. Dan pulled off his mask, sliding to the floor next to him.

“Japan and England are right next to each other in this universe,” he admitted, not exactly sure how that even worked, “so I guess they’re kinda one in the same here.”

A silence fell over them. Danny looked at Brian with tired eyes.

“I freaked out in that last battle, Brian. Like, Brian, I was pants-shittingly terrified.”

 _You sure as fuck looked it,_ Brian teased, and Dan chuckled.

“Shut up. I’m trying to be gay here.” He paused for a second. “Promise me you’ll be careful, Brian. I have an infinite amount of lives, but you only have one, so please come back alive. Do it for me, Brian.”

Brian looked at him for a second.

 _You’re right,_ he signed back, _that was really gay_. Dan rolled his eyes.

_I will, though. I promise._

 

 

 

They managed to open a portal about four hours later, and Dan watched them, amused. Having broad knowledge of the universe and its intricacies definitely had its benefits, and while he’d long since taught them how to reach alternate dimensions, they still struggled with the process.

Once finished, though, the commander looked at Jerry, who’d gathered everyone in small groups.

“You’re in charge of the second wave. Don’t fail me.” He said, and Jerry nodded gravely.

Dan didn’t get to command his own wave, so he wasn’t salty about that at all. Jerry turned to the crowd.

“We’re going to win today,” he shouted, “so show no weakness! Show no fear! Show no mercy!”

Dan joined in on the cheering. He had to admit that Jerry was pretty persuasive. The commander stepped forwards next.

“Follow orders, stay in your waves, and victory will be ours. Now, open the portal!”

A disk of glowing blue split open the space before them, and groaned and warbled with strange energy. Dan saw some of the younger recruits shift nervously, obviously new to the whole multiverse thing. One by one, they stepped through the gate, disappearing in a blast of electricity and white noise. Dan walked through, and an icy wind pierced his armour, and snowflakes whipped around them. He crouched with four others, and took his designated formation. Some groups trekked around the establishment to attack from behind.

Dan couldn’t see anything but snow and trees, and he started shivering as they crouched in their positions. The wind didn’t let up, and the snowflakes blew into his eyes, melting on the exposed skin through the mask. They had to wait, though he noticed the ninjas beside him looked as cold and miserable as he felt. He reached into his back pocket, taking out a bag of dried cranberries.

 _Want some?_ He signed to his group. An elder ninjas just glared at him, and went back to waiting, but the three others, who looked just young enough to start training, reached for a handful. He passed the bag around, and they pressed an open palm to their lips, turning it outward in thanks. Danny gave them a thumbs up.

 _First battle?_ He asked, and the three of them nodded, trying to look brave.

_You’ll do great, trust me._

 

 

Almost an hour later, the elder held up his hand, and Dan zipped up his bag of cranberries. They held their breath, and could hear the distant clash of metal and screams of pain, muffled by the fallen snow.

 _Looks like they expected us,_ signed the elder.

They jumped up in sync, and followed the noise. Danny’s heart sped up, beating hard and heavy against his chest. Hopefully Brian was okay.

 

They ran, and once the trees started thinning, Dan could see the compound, though it looked more like a prison than a training ground. It was square and made of concrete, a hidden box built into the foot of a mountain. In a large courtyard, the battle raged, and Danny could see bodies and weapons strewn across the stone.

“Charge!” shouted the elder, and Danny drew his sword.

He hadn’t held a katana in almost twenty years, but his hands found the proper position like he’d never left. Racing across the snow, a ninja came up to him, throwing stars that whistled in the air. Dan dodged three, but got one right in the meat of his leg. He ignored it, rushing the man before slashing down his neck and chest. He screamed, and dropped to the ground, blood staining the layer of snow beneath him. He moved as nimbly as possible, but his hurt leg dragged behind him.

The battle pressed in on him like a cloud. His clan vastly outnumbered Brian’s but they still put up a fight, and stars, black eggs, and poison darts flew through the air from all sides. He scanned the crowd, looking for Brian, but had to stop for a second to fend off a woman with a pair of sais. She moved quickly, swiping in precise movements that Danny struggled to block. His breathing became hard, and the weight of the sword slowed him.

His block missed, and blood ran down from a cut on his side. He wheezed, still holding out his sword in defense. God, he really needed to work out.

Her next flurry of attacks hit him hard. He went solely on the defense, but left an opening when his foot lost balance. She took it, kicking his torso with enough force that it knocked him over. His sword clattered to the side, and he groaned.

“Fuck.” his whole body hurt, and he really didn’t want to deal with dying right now. He gave her a tired middle finger, but didn’t do much else with the sais pointed towards him. She grinned at him, catlike and feral, but before she jumped him, she slumped over. The sais dropped to the ground, and her entire weight crushed him. Danny pushed her off him in surprise, noticing a small red dart sticking from the back of her neck.

“Shit.” he said, thanking his luck. He forced himself to his feet, grabbing his sword.

Most of the people left standing were his clan members. A few enemy stragglers remained, but they were surrounded. The wind picked up again, but Danny wasn’t cold. He pulled off his mask, shielding his eyes from the snowflakes. The snow fell heavy enough to cover some of the bodies in an inch of powder, and tickled his face as it brushed past his cheeks.

He spotted Brian, covered in blood and looking happy. It was nice to see him in his own environment. Brian got to watch him bang people all the time, but finally, they got to murder people together. He gave Brian a wave, and Brian walked over to him.

 _How was the fight?_ Brian asked, and Dan shrugged, still a little high on adrenaline.

“It was alright. I’m out of practice.”

 _Looks like we’ll have to do some sparring_ , Brian raised his eyebrows suggestively, and Dan laughed.

“So what do we do now?” The battle was over, and he was anxious to get back home.

_We’re gonna clear the compound and make sure everyone’s gone. I think your members were talking about taking over the space as their own._

“Oh, okay. We should probably help, then.”

_We probably should._

He stepped closer to Dan, putting a hand on his shoulder. He leaned close, looking into his eyes, and Dan’s stomach fluttered with anticipation. He leaned in, and was centimeters away from his lips.

There was a horrible pain in Danny’s leg as Brian yanked the shuriken out. Brian stepped away.

“You asshole!” He gritted, as blood gushed from the wound. Brian pocketed the star.

_You’re welcome._

 

 

Other than a few unlucky ninjas guarding the entrance, most of Brian’s clan died in the courtyard. The whole building was scouted and cleared in the span of half an hour. They found their space-time machine hidden in the basement of the complex, and Dan, still covered in blood, jumped right inside, making sure nothing was out of place.

“Son of a bitch!” he cursed, searching around the cot in the back, “they took my fancy condoms, Brian! I spent at least thirty dollars on those fancy condoms, Brian!”

 _You have a ton at home,_ Brian reminded him, but Dan still mourned their loss. They had a strawberry smoothie flavoured one that had recently been discontinued. He’d never get that back.

Brian rushed towards him without warning, and scooped him up by the waist. Dan yelped, his pitch a little higher than he’d admit, as he was hoisted over Brian’s shoulder.

“What the fuck?” He got his answer when Brian threw him down on the cot, and quickly followed, throwing his mask to the side to kiss Dan. Brian was hard, and he ground into Dan so hungrily it made his cock twitch.

 _Do you know how amazing you look?_ Brian signed, taking the time to kiss between motions, _I saw you fight and move, and I wanted to fuck you then and there on the battlefield._

Dan moaned and Brian bit down on the skin of his neck, so forceful the tips of his teeth broke skin. He cried out in pain. He could feel the mark pulse with his heartbeat, but the rush of pleasure he felt afterwards overshadowed everything else. He moved back to kiss him, and he could taste his own blood on Brian’s tongue.

“Please, just fuck me.” His own cock was straining against his pants, and Brian complied, tearing them off so quickly they ripped. He peeled off Dan’s light armour, but left his bandaged leg as it was. Dan pulled off his shirt and mail, Letting them fall beside him. The spot where Brian had bitten throbbed in pain, making his cock harder.

Brian lubed up his cock, apparently too impatient to do more than pull his pants down a bit. He lined himself up against dan, looking for permission.

“Fuck me.”

Brian entered Dan, and almost screamed. Without the preparation, Brian’s cock felt painful, and he waited for himself to stretch around him. Brian moved hard and fast, moving his hands to Dan’s ass for leverage. Dan could tell he was close already, from his heavy pants, to the stuttered movement of his hips. Dan’s head rolled back, and he stroked his cock in his hand, before Brian knocked it away, instead choosing to stroke it himself. Brian’s hand was a little too rough, and a little too tight, but it put Dan over the edge anyways.

Brian’s harsh fucking didn’t stop when Dan came, spasming tightly around his cock. Instead, he came when Danny decided to be cruel, and scratched up his back as hard as he could. The ninja’s back arched, and when Dan felt him pour heat inside him, he stilled. His hands came back slightly bloody.

“Payback, bitch,” he said, and licked it off his fingers with a smirk.

It took Dan a minute to come back to himself, too lost in the haze of endorphins to do much but lay back and enjoy it. When he did stretch and look around, seeing Brian wipe himself up and pull his pants on, he realized they hadn’t used a condom.

 _Whatever,_ thought Dan. He was too happy to give a shit right now.

“Are there showers in the building?” He asked, pulling on a fresh shirt, “All I saw were toilets and sinks.”

 _We bathed in the icy lakes near the mountain_ , answered Brian, _there are no showers in the building._

Dan sighed in annoyance.

“That seems a little unnecessary.”

_The elders said it built character. But they’re dead now, so hopefully your clan will install some proper facilities._

Once they had changed, they sat on the cot, resting. Dan wanted so much sleep. He wanted his own bed, and thirty hours of rest with Brian cuddled next to him. There was a knock on the door, and Brian got up to answer it. Dan groaned in annoyance.

“Hey,” Jerry said, stepping through the door, “I know we just finished up a battle and all, but the commander wants to speak with you.”

Jerry motioned them to follow.

The compound was sparse and clean, and the cold seeped through the stone walls, chilling Dan to the bone.

“Why did they build a place in the mountains without heating?”

_I’m not sure. It had been here for a good twenty years at least when I started training._

“Sorry about your entire clan, by the way. I know you’d been with them for a while.” Jerry said. He walked quickly, and even Dan’s long legs struggled to keep up. Brian shrugged.

_They were assholes._

“Why didn’t they come after you until now?” Dan asked. The three of them stepped into a long hall, where some elders and the commander stood over a table.

 _It’s another reason I stopped working from them_ , Brian explained, _they were horrendously disorganized._

“Good. You’re here,” the commander said, gesturing them to come inside. “I know we just got off the battlefield, but there’s some things that need to be discussed.”

They found their place around the table. He could feel eyes on the angry red mark on his neck. He ignored them, but still felt his face turn pink.  An elder with a long, scraggly beard spoke, his voice rough.

“Dan, for the honour of joining us in battle and sharing the secrets of the portal, we will restore your title as Ninja Sexbang.”

Danny grinned in thanks, but couldn’t help being a little peeved that they had to restore his name in the first place. What a bunch of bullshit.

“And Ninja Brian,” he said, taking a golden egg out from a pocket, “we gift to you the golden egg, and artifact found in the recesses of the compound. We don’t know what it is, but because this was your clan, we decided you should have it.”

Brian bowed with grace, and took it, giving Dan a smug look. Danny glared at him.

“One more thing.” the commander remarked, butting into the conversation “I’m sure you have your own loyalties, but think about getting over them. You’re very well trained and we could really use you.”

“What are you saying?” Dan asked. This didn’t sound good.

“You could join us.” He clarified, getting Brian’s interest, “I’m sure you’d love our assassinations. You’d get to hop universes, you’d get weekends off, and we cover dental.”

 _I’ll think about it,_ signed Brian, and Danny’s stomach dropped.

“Awesome. Drop off your resume and we’ll figure out an interview.”

Oh shit.

_When should I expect the interview to be?_

“Come back to this compound on the 30th at 5:30. We’ll be finished moving and renovating by then.”


	17. Chapter 10

They returned home with the time machine, and while Danny was glad to have his house again, he still couldn’t rest. The anxiety came back that night,  once again while Brian slept peacefully beside him. God, what an asshole, having functional sleep patterns while he was forced to toss and turn as an uncomfortable bundle of stress.

Did ninjas even go to interviews? What was the deal with that? Brian already went on assassination missions, and he’d been without a clan for ten years. Maybe it was like law firms. Maybe there were ninja firms that handled different branches of murder, with hundreds of homicidal employees working on assassinations. He would have to ask Brian about the logistics of how that worked. He may have graduated, but he barely stayed a ninja long enough to change the course of European history. He had no idea how ninjas firms worked. Brian had just about three weeks before he needed to go back to the compound.

He couldn’t deny it. He didn’t want Brian to take the job. In fact, just the thought made him sick. Brian would take missions, and Dan would be left behind, and maybe Brian would take the job full time. Would he dare do that? Could Brian really just walk away from him? Dan knew it was unlikely, and that it was his nerves, his insecurities talking. Regardless, the possibility ate at him, gnawing an anxious knot in his chest. He couldn’t lose Brian. He couldn’t.

 _I can stay up and stress about this,_ he thought to himself _, or I can pussy up and talk to Brian about it._

 _Do it,_ he said to himself, _do it_.

He reached over, but stopped his hand just in time.

 _I’ll do it in the morning,_ he vowed.

He didn’t have a very good sleep.

 

 

By the time the sun shining around the room woke the two, it was already well past noon. Brian stretched and grinned at him, while Danny silently died of internal anxiety.

 _Damn. I haven’t had a job in forever,_ raved Brian _,_ moving his hands like lightning, _do you think I should wear a tie? I’m okay with wearing a tie for what they’re offering me._

Brian seemed to notice the terrified expression on Dan’s face, and stopped.

_What’s wrong?_

Dan shifted uncomfortably. The words he had been rehearsing refused to leave his mouth. Instead, he sputtered awkwardly. Brian raised an eyebrow.

“I, uh,” He steeled himself. This was too important to him to fuck it up. “You’re important to me, Brian. Really important. And-and, you’ve made me give a shit, which is absolutely infuriating, by the way. Fuck you, for doing that: making me care, that is. I’m not exactly one that knows what giving a shit feels like, but it’s made me terrified, Brian.”

“No-one dies, not really, Brian, and you know this. I’ve told you this a million times before, but I’ve been to thousands of other dimensions and seen you.”

Brian looked confused, an emotion Dan was more than familiar with. He put his hand up to stop Brian from interrupting him.

“But those alternate Brians, Brian. They’re not you, Brian, and I would know. Something’s always different, or fucked up in one way or another. It’s never you, Brian.” Oh god, was he tearing up? Fuck, that’s embarrassing. He furiously rubbed his eyes with his sleeve, and couldn’t meet Brian’s eye anymore.

“The way we are, the way you are, Brian, is all I have. This could be the last time we’ll ever have as ourselves.” He forced himself to look at Brian, then, and a hot tear escaped his eye. “That’s terrifying, Brian. Do you know how fucked that is, Brian? I’m a being that never dies. I’ll never forget what I experience, what I see, but you’re going to die, Brian. You’re going to die, and I’ll be alone for all eternity, Brian. Sure, your soul will live on, but the only time you’re Brian, my Brian, is now. That fucking sucks.”

“So, please, please, Brian. Please stay with me. I know you have an offer, and I know you have a life outside of me, but please don’t leave me here with all eternity.” The tears wouldn’t stop, and he let his face fall in his hands, letting out a small sob. Brian moved in beside him, and Dan was quick to reach around, pulling him into a desperate hug. They stayed there for a minute, Brian holding Dan as he cried.

Brian grabbed Danny’s chin and turned it towards him. He tore off his mask, his eyes red and puffy, and nodded _. What the fuck, Dan, of course I’m staying_ , he signed, _You idiot. A new job doesn’t mean I won’t still live with you._

Relief crushed him from all sides, and he nodded. Brian was staying. Brian wasn’t leaving him alone. Brian was staying. Holy shit, Brian was staying. Danny sniffed and laughed, his throat still caught up with tears. He was probably getting snot all over Brian’s shirt, and promised to do laundry.

“Look at us, a bunch of softies,” he could hear Brian’s heartbeat pumping vibrantly, alive against his chest, “God, we’re really fucking gay.”

 _You’re really fucking gay_ , Brian corrected, and Dan laughed.

“Yeah. That sounds about right.”

 

 

They packed up the space-time machine the next day, and by packed up, I mean they just shoved it full of snacks and lube and were ready to go. Dan pulled out a map, plotting out points, stops, an alternate routes.

‘So we’re not exactly going straight to my old universe,” said Danny, when Brian peeked at the scribbles he’d made on his map.

 _I thought we were heading to my interview?_ Brian looked confused, and Danny shook his head. He internally giggled. Brian had even bothered to wear his tie, though with his ninja garb it looked far from professional.

“Your interview isn’t for another two weeks, so I thought we’d make some stops on the way. I want to spend some time with you, Brian. I want some quality time. We can bond over fighting against evil incarnate, Brian. I can’t think of something more fun.”

_I’m listening._

 There are giant space monsters attacking a planet in the Universe next over. And,” He looked at his map, twisting it so he could get a better look, “Oh! And there’s Ice-Babe planet right after that. Look at this, Brian. Can you believe this, Brian? There’s an entire planet inhabited by nothing but ice cream and gorgeous women. Do you want to go there, Brian?” Brian looked indignant at the question.

_Of course I want to fucking go there._

“God, why did I even ask? Of course, you’ll probably have to take off your tie.”

Brian gave him a look.

_People won’t recognize me with my tie. It’s part of my new business disguise._

Dan nodded, pulling a lever and hitting a button. The ship jolted, rising off his lawn as the panels and screens hummed to life.

“Fair enough. Let’s have a fucking adventure, Brian. Ninja Sex Party, away!”

The ship disappeared in a puff of blue light and friendship.


End file.
